Saturday, June 28, 2014

let's play a little game i like to call 'why does emma hate herself?'. five points to hufflepuff!

I wish I could capture in words the feeling I get when my room is tidy and it's night time and I'm clean and I'm doing something very simple like listening to music. It's good. It's calming. It's a soft yellow. But I rarely listen to music for music's sake. I'll listen to music for background noise while cleaning or cooking or exercising or blogging (!). But to do nothing but listen to music would allow my mind to wander freely and that's not ideal. I mean, my long term plan is to avoid thinking any meaningful thoughts for hopefully the rest of my life. My plan is to keep busy.

Which is why the first thing I do when I get up in the morning is open the windows, make my bed, hoover the floor, make breakfast and try to come up with a list of things to do for the day that will distract me from real life. At the moment, my weapons of mass distraction include occasional walks and hours spent watching The Office. But I'm open to other suggestions.

Lately I don't like being around other people (I feel like I've written that exact phrase a thousand times before): other people are so much better than I am and even being around people I like is a struggle. In fact, it's worse to be around people I like because it's much harder to resent them for being better than me. I'm jealous of my friends' lives/achievements/whatever but because they're my friends, I wouldn't begrudge them their happiness (not even in my head). The weird thing is my life kind of looks good on paper: I've just finished college with a good degree and good grades and I'm scheduled to emigrate in six weeks' time for a job with great career and travel opportunities. So what's the problem? Oh yeah. Me. That's right. I'm the problem. Help.

My low self-esteem isn't really based on any particular aspect of my appearance or personality. It seems to be just a general all-encompassing self-loathing that will manifest itself in a myriad of ways, depending on the day/alignment of the planets/who fucking knows. Right now I'm hideous. I'm repulsive. How could anyone even hold down the contents of their stomach while in my presence?

Of course, my self-esteem isn't improved by the fact that I'm stone cold poverty-stricken at the moment and I feel like such a fucking scab. My friends are generous and understanding but it's so embarrassing to be this poor – and to always have been. When I start my job in six weeks (and get my first pay cheque six weeks after that!), things will be different. And I'll just hate myself for some other reason. Self-loathing is so exciting – I wonder what will cause me to melt into an acidic pool of hatred today? Could be the fact that I weigh 180 lbs! Could be the fact that I haven't had any semblance of a romantic relationship in a whole year! Could be anything! Ah, the excitement.

I want to write/blog/demand attention more. Watch this space or something.

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