My brain hurts and my self-esteem is running on empty. My Golden Semester is still intact and I’m just about on top on my college work. I’m eating healthy for the most part and I’m going to a ball tomorrow (I’m still on the hunt for a strapless bra though). I’m exhausted and I want kisses and hugs and someone to tell me I’m wonderful. But I wouldn’t believe it anyway.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about self-esteem. I’ve been interrogating other people about where they got theirs from – all the while thinking that I missed the boat completely. How come other people like themselves? One of my friends is so self-assured, it’s amazing. She’s not at all arrogant but she 100% think she’s amazing. And she is. And even if she wasn’t, you’d still think she was. Because that attitude is infectious. Another of my friends called herself about a 5 or a 6 on the 1-10 scale of self-esteem, which is still a lot higher than me. I just don’t get it though. I find it astounding that the rest of the world doesn’t dislike themselves as much as I dislike myself. I thought everybody felt like this.
It’s not even that I dislike myself really, it’s that I doubt myself. Sometimes I think I’m funny and then I immediately correct myself. You could tell me ten times a day that I’m an okay person and I still wouldn’t believe you. I could try those cognitive behavioural methods and look in the mirror and remind myself every day that I do possess some positive qualities. It wouldn’t work though. I’d look in the mirror and I’d know that I was lying to myself.
And I am so desperate for validation at the moment and whether that comes in the form of the shift or the ride, I don’t mind and I don’t care. As long as it does. But it’s futile, isn’t it? Of course it is. I’ll still go back to feeling like this. Even on my good days, I still can’t quite convince myself that I am an okay human.
And then I go ahead and fall in love with boys who will never love me back.
I don’t know. I feel futile.