Wednesday, November 28, 2012

my brain is not co-operating.

I don't really remember what it felt like to be depressed. I don't get depressed nowadays, not really, because the generic brand Prozac stops my brain soaking up all that precious serotonin too quickly. But I do sometimes get pangs of intense sadness that can last a day or two. Horrible sadness. I'm sure I described it as “sick sad” somewhere sometime. Because that's what it feels like. This terrible heat in my stomach that radiates outward and consumes everything. Maybe it's not sadness. Maybe it's anger. Maybe I'm angry at myself and the whole wide world. I guess that makes sense.

Of course I'm angry at myself. I don't like myself. Sometimes I am exactly the type of person I would hate to hang around with. I avoid life and I make excuses and I have little regard for consequences. Sometimes I like myself. Sometimes I'm funny and I'm nice and I'm honest. Right now I'm indifferent. I'm mad at myself for still being awake at quarter to seven in the morning when I have class at nine. I'm mad at myself but I'm not sure I can blame myself anymore. I don't think it's staying in bed too long during the day and not getting any fresh air.

I'm being good now. Sort of. But my brain is too full of thoughts and plans and wishes to settle down to sleep and detailed dreams of zombies. I'm too concerned with the future – I'm thinking about being home in three weeks and seeing my family and my friends and returning to UL to start new classes. I'm scared though. I'm scared of more change.

Anyway, I'm listening to the Pixies and reading quotes and feeling afraid. Hold me. Or something.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

hamilton in colour.

I strolled into town the other day to do some Christmas shopping and took some snaps along the way. Hamilton is an okay place to live when it's not pissing rain.

(Excuse the terrible quality of the pictures – I'm kind of a hit-and-run photographer.)

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

wish list.

Wish List 20.11.12

I'm currently coveting these bits and pieces from around the interweb:

1. Kindle Paperwhite
2. Samsung Galaxy Mini
3. Any sort of a decent SLR camera
4. Floral Bomber Jacket, George @ Asda
5. Yellow Cambridge "Batchel"
6. Skull scarf

Dear Santa ...

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

white tooths.

I'm set to get my braces off when I get back to Ireland and I'm pretty excited about that. I'll have had this obstruction in my mouth for two years and I'll be glad to see the back of it!

I thought I'd do a bit of cleaning up in anticipation of that glorious day by attempting to brighten up my teeth a bit. I chose Oral-B 3D White Brilliance. Holly Willoughby is the teeth and face of the campaign so I figured I could trust it because she's alright.

The toothpaste promises “Whiter teeth on the front, back, and visible surfaces between teeth.” We'll see! I used it for the first time last night and it definitely tasted like it should work – the white and purple paste had a noticeable tang of bleach. Surely this is a good sign! I'm going to take some before and after photos of my tooths – I want to be able to see a difference, not just imagine I see a difference. Hopefully I'll have super white American teeth when I get my braces off anyway. I'll keep you posted!

Have any of you tried whitening toothpastes? Did they work?

Monday, November 12, 2012

clothes lust.

Maybe my standards are slipping or maybe I'm delusional but I think I dress better in Scotland. Maybe it has something to do with the bitter cold air or the grey skies, but Scotland suits my style. I've always been a winter girl anyway.

I complained a lot during the summer about the heat. For me, heat means sweating. It means wearing skimpy outfits that simply don't suit me and either going without make-up or watching myself sweat it off throughout the day (by which I mean, in the space of twenty minutes). Most of my summer was spent by the side of the road selling strawberries. Selling strawberries is a handy number but a medley of mud, sweat, rain, and strawberry juice gets pretty grim after a while.

With strawberries behind me for the time being and thick woolly jumpers being bang on trend, I'm in my element. I'm loving dark colours, skater skirts, and defined eyebrows. I'm on a real shoe binge lately too, having splurged on these two beauties within a couple of weeks of each other. (Topshop boots £40, Office creepers £20.) 

I'm also lusting after one of those iconic satchels from the Cambridge Satchel Company. These bad boys are said to last for years and I reckon it might be a good investment. Lately I've noticed that my old reliable Topshop satchel is too small to carry all the bits and pieces I need on a daily basis (winter also means having to carry around packets of tissues and an umbrella, while my scattered brain means having to carry around a notebook and pen at all times). The 15” Batchel would suit me down to the ground. But which colour to go for? I'm torn between yellow and baby pink. At over £100 a pop, it'll be a while before I can gather the funds (or organise a fundraiser) to pay for one of these pieces of iconography but it's going to happen! 

Also on my list of necessities is a new laptop. Mine is on the way out. My trusty Sony Vaio purchased for Christmas about four years ago could really do with being euthanised. The charger's temperamental, the battery doesn't last pissing time, the disc drive is buggered, and overall it's as slow as a funeral procession. Though I need a new laptop, it kills me to have to spend upwards of €300 for something that I can't wear. Or eat. Or live in. 

P.S. I'm ill today so if you want to email me some sympathy, that would be okay with me. x

Saturday, November 03, 2012

scotland is mainly just coco pops and shoes and not going to class.

So I've sort of been on an unplanned hiatus for the last month. I've been busy living and breathing and spending far too much money on clothes in Scotland. I won't say that I'm back for good, because it's likely that I'll get distracted again by doing uni work (did I just say “uni”?) or reading or kissing or mindlessly reblogging pictures on Tumblr.

Scotland life isn't very different from Ireland life except that food is cheaper and I have a little bit more money to spend on clothes. I'm still a complete brat when it comes to those nights out you're supposed to enjoy. Hallowe'en was the other day (as those of you in the western world will know) and I dressed up as a skeleton type person. I was fully excited for a night of drunkenness and debauchery and in the end, after trying in vain to get the right amount of imbibed, I was home in bed by half eleven. Thursday was productive though: I woke up at 4 am, cleaned my room, did all my washing, and ate a balanced breakfast of Coco Pops.

I'm trying a healthy thing at the moment where I cut down on the carbs (I could cut them out completely but my body would probably shut down due to shock) and stock up on the fruit and veg. In that regard, today was good. I ate three pieces of fruit, leftover sweet and sour chicken with a whole lotta veg, and I drank copious amounts of orange juice. As a consequence, I am so poisonously flatulent that I have to keep walking away from myself. And I thought I was doing a good thing! Maybe my body needs a good clear-out Christ.

More updates at a later date, provided I don't poison myself or those around me.