Tuesday, October 02, 2012

i'm a eunach libertine or something.

You said, “That was very out of character for me. I'm not usually like that.” I wish I could say the same. In my mind, I am not like that – in my imagination, I am not the type of person who wanders around in the middle of the night with boys, full of alcohol and bad ideas. Well, sometimes I am. But only on those occasions when I deeply dislike myself. On those occasions, I lie in my bed and I think, Yes, Emma, you are exactly the type of person who would do that. Actually, on my good days, I am aware that I behave like that from time to time, but I'm okay with it because it's interesting or it's funny or something

I guess my point is that yes, I do behave with a sense of debauchery if I have a few too many pints and sometimes I'm okay with it. And other times I really wish I could say that I am of a sensible disposition. When you said, “I'm not usually like that,” I wished I could agree. I wished I could say, “Me neither. Normally I go home after the pub, eat some dry toast and drink a pint of water.” But I couldn't say that. I could only smile benignly and hope that you wouldn't ask too many questions.

In reality, I've wandered around in the middle of the night with boys and bad ideas far too many times to count. (I am tempted to explain that I rarely, if ever, slept with those boys, but then I remember that I don't need to explain or apologise for my sex life.) It's a combination of low self-esteem and a complete disregard for consequences. Sometimes I am just very self-destructive. And sometimes I am a very stupid, drunken little girl.

I'd like to be the kind of girl who is pure and innocent and well-behaved; I simply am not. But “well-behaved women rarely make history” and “a bad woman is the sort of woman a man never gets tired of.” Well, one can only hope.

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