Thursday, September 13, 2012

just call me aunt satirical.

Now that the UL year has rolled around again, An Focal is back in print under the editorial prowess of Darragh Roche, with a sundry collection of sub-editors, including the lovely Emily Maree (who wrote a guest post for The Magic Position a couple of months ago). Emily is the new Life & Style editor of An Focal and has kindly offered me a fortnightly satirical column on all things life and style. My first article is about the treacherous break-up of heart-throb Robert Pattinson and his sullen beauty, Kristen Stewart. The article, pre-gruesome-editing-process, is after the jump ...

The most amazing love story of our generation came to its dramatic conclusion this summer when trailer trash chic Kristen Stewart cheated on on-screen/off-screen boyfriend Robert Pattinson with middle-aged director and “family man”, Rupert Sanders. The actress best known for playing needy, emotionally volatile Bella Swan in the Twilight saga, and less known for playing the diabetic little boy in Panic Room alongside fellow androgyne Jodie Foster, broke the hearts of so many teenage obsessives this summer when she shattered their idea of the perfect relationship.

Monotone Stewart met director Rupert Sanders on the set of their film Snow White & The Huntsman back in August 2011. The pair were caught on camera shifting the faces off each other in July 2012 and though filming for the movie began over a year ago, People magazine claims the affair was only a recent development, and less of an affair than a once-off tryst in the front of Stewart's black Mini Cooper.

R-Patz and K-Stew have been on-screen and off-screen lovers for the past four years and some sources say Rob was ready to pop the question. Shy Kristen was away from Rob for the duration if the filming and might have been suffering from a bout of low self-esteem. Like any pubescent girl with a hard-on for attention, she was apt to fall into the arms of any male who'd give her a bit of a attention and a bit of a grope while

Soon after the affair/fling/tryst became public knowledge, Rob left the couple's shared LA home and went on to promote his new movie Cosmopolis with uncharacteristic cheerfulness. Also out of character, Kristen released a full, public apology just one day after the affair graced the cover of People. Father-of-two director Sanders followed suit a couple of days later. The whole thing stank of publicity stunt.

Kristen, guilt-ridden and distraught after the affair, is seeking out a shrink to help her cope. Meanwhile, Rob has been holding up pretty well and has been his usual charming self at press gatherings. However, sources close to the singer/songwriter/actor say that he's been venting his anger at the gym, punching punch-bags in the dead of night. Presumably these punch-bags resemble sullen-looking Stewart to poor cuckold Rob.

Since the break-up, R-Patz has had to change his phone number a whopping four times to evade Kristen's ploys to get him back. Friends close to the pair have apparently been passing along each of Rob's new numbers to the obsessive Kristen, who has been spotted around Hollywood kitted out in some of Rob's old clobber – his favourite baseball hat and a grubby t-shirt. This could turn very Fatal Attraction very quickly. Kristen Stewart, you bunny-boiler, you!

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