Also, fancying someone is surely a sign of weakness - it's a weakness in itself - so I'm not going to bother with it anymore. I feel ill when I think about all the humans who find me repulsive and I don't blame them, not really. And maybe it's a lack of confidence that boys can detect and that's why I'm lagging behind in the race to get cunnilingus. But I can't be truly confident. I can pretend to be, and that doesn't work 80% of time, and if pretending to be confident doesn't work, then how would real confidence work?
I just feel awful. Does this mean I have feelings? I don’t know. I’ve been dreaming lately about lovely things and then I wake up and I want to vomit everywhere because my life isn’t really like those lovely dreams. In most cases, it’s the complete opposite. That boy who was fawning over me in my dream last night doesn’t even talk to me in reality. He ignores me like we’ve never even met. Fuck. In my dreams, people kiss me and tell me I’m gorgeous. In reality, I’m waking up a day-to-day itinerary of self-loathing and too many packets of salt and vinegar crisps. What is the fucking point?
It’s that thing that happens sometimes when you feel out of synch with the rest of the world. My mind is elsewhere. My mind is focused on feminism and love as an idea.