I’ve been creeping like a creep through the blogosphere today. I’ve been reading other people’s blogs and reading some of my old posts. I’m feeling inadequate. My blog isn’t good enough. It’s not as good as it once was and it’s not as good as other people’s. Other people are writing about art and design and suicide and love and their wonderful adventures in distant corners of the globe (as far from Carrick-on-Suir as possible). I’m writing about how fat I am and how I’ll never have a boyfriend. Yes, it’s honest, but it’s very fucking trite, isn’t it? I’m sure the world is sick to its teeth of post-pubescent anxious girls weeping about their crippling low self-esteem.
I’m not funny at the moment, am I? I’m going to stop thinking about it so much. I’m going to stop trying to write a certain way so that people will like me. When I look back at my old posts, I was funniest when I had a readership of maybe fifteen people a day. (Of course, my sentence structure was terrible but I was only eighteen and more concerned with cider than syntax.) I was writing for myself and a couple of friends and one or two strangers. Nowadays I’m writing for 200 views and I am uber conscious of my writing and I feel like I’m adhering to rules that I made up for yourself.
The reality is that this blog is no more now than what it was four or five years ago – it’s a diary. It’s where I ramble on about fancying stupid boys and not doing homework/ assignments and where I make passive-aggressive posts about people I dislike. Sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it’s awful and no, they probably won’t change the rules and award me a Pulitzer prize for this blog but it’s something to do and nothing makes me happier than a random email or comment from someone telling me how much they enjoy reading what I alternately consider drivel and whimsy.
And I think that’s the point. Reading this blog won’t change your life and writing it won’t change mine (although it has had some strange consequences on my life at times!) but that’s okay. Because I get to share my thoughts and my experiences and I feel connected to the rest of the world and if you can identify with that or it makes you laugh, then I guess I have inadvertently achieved something. (My syntax is still awful.)