Tuesday, May 29, 2012

i am good.

There Are Things

My life is very routine at the moment. I’m still looking for a job. My family thinks I’m indifferent about my unemployment but really I’m cracking up. I want yellow nail varnish but instead I spend my money on a birthday cake for my mother so I can say, “I am not a bad person.” With no money and therefore no internet access at home, I’ve been going to the library everyday to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi. I’ve been silently fuming at the noisy children and I’ve been almost falling asleep staring at a computer screen, listening to the same songs on my iPod, resenting technology and life at least twice a week.

I wake up, I eat breakfast, I take my medication, I drink a cup of coffee, I have a shower, I go to the library. I come home from the library, eat dinner, read, take a nap, watch TV, write, watch more TV. It’s not particularly exciting but what can I do? I’m looking for a job and that aside, I guess I’m furthering my career by writing constantly and contributing to social networking sites with my mundane (and often vulgar) musings. With no money, I can’t go on all the adventures I’d like to go on, but with a library full of free books, I’m doing the best I can. I’m considering turning to exercise too, just to feel like I’m achieving something.

On the bright side, because my life is so very predictable at the moment, I can’t get into very many predicaments. This can only be a good thing. It’s difficult to ruin your life when your life only consists of books and carbohydrates.

I’ll be twenty-one soon. I’ll be a twenty-something. That’s a new era. I think in eras. I’m not a teenager anymore and I’m glad. Those tumultuous teenage years are the worst. And I remember all the times I begged you to take me back and what was the point? I’m cringing now thinking about you. I used to think you were the most important person in the world. And now I realise that I am the most important person in the world. When I loved you, I neglected myself. And now look. I’m in college and I’m trying to build something beautiful. Trying to build everything beautiful. It’s difficult, of course it is. But I think it will always be difficult for me – I’m always over-analysing and trying to be romantic.

I dunno, man. I just look forward to taking off my bra at the end of the day. I don’t want hugs and I don’t want kisses – I want to be self-sufficient. How do you deal with jealousy? I felt this awful sting of envy earlier, a mixture of love and need and want, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I’m a feelings kind of person insofar as I can identify what I’m feeling, but I’m fucked if I know how to process it.

I guess I’m feeling sad right now. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s not sad, maybe it’s all kinds of feelings. A pot of boiling emotions on a two ring hob on a tiny cooker in a grey room with a concrete floor. Maybe I’m being ridiculous. I’m always being ridiculous. I just want to drink wine and talk poetry with someone.

I often think, “I can’t do life,” or “I’m not in the mood to do life today” because it feels too hard. It feels like hard work. It feels like an effort that I just can’t make. All I want to do is sleep and eat cake and drink wine and write. But life requires more. And sometimes I get exhausted just thinking about it.

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