Sunday, April 01, 2012

doing awful things.

I was always terrified of that phrase, ‘Actions speak louder than words.’ Because I only ever had words. What actions did I have? I never seemed to be doing much of anything. (And I’m all talk, of course I am.) I felt like a waste of a life because actions were of more value than words and all I had were words. (Then again, I will take any and every opportunity to degrade and devalue myself.) And maybe it’s okay to just have words. I mean, if they’re all I have, maybe that’s the best I can do, you know? Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. And it’s not as though I do nothing. I do some things. I do a lot of things. I like doing things. But I always feel as though words are my most powerful tool. Or I used to. I don’t know, man. Things change all the time.

And I feel like a bad person. But I don’t feel like you’re much better. Even though you very obviously do think you’re better than me. I’m having a hard time lately believing that anyone is better than me. I think we’re equal. We’re different but equal. We both have our faults (and I have a fuck-load) and it’s wonderful. Wonderful faults and flaws.

I sweat too much, I swear too much, I eat too much, I think too much. I don’t do anything in moderation.

I often think about what it means to be good or bad. Because if you do something that you think is awful and you believe it makes you an awful person, what can you do? You can apologise to whoever you hurt and you can try to repair the damage. And then? As an ongoing punishment, you can keep telling yourself that you are an awful human being. But it’s not productive, is it? It doesn’t achieve anything. And you just feel awful. And in my experience, that kind of self-flagellation only leads to a cycle of more awful behaviour: if you really believe that you’re an awful person, you’ll continue to do awful things because it’s who you are. And it’s easy. It’s what people expect. But it won’t make you very happy. So I think you should (and I should) stop beating yourself (and myself) up about awful things you’ve done. I think you should accept it. I think you should acknowledge what you did, apologise if necessary, resolve to not behave in the same way again, and move on with your life.

Because what does all this negative thinking actually achieve? Sometimes I still think about stupid things I did or said when I was sixteen and I cringe and berate myself and hate myself. But it’s not the stuff of happiness, is it? And with four years separating me and that epoch of stupidity, negative thinking does nothing for it, except put me in a horrible mood, and more likely to do stupid and awful things again.

But maybe that’s just me. And maybe it’s not that easy to stop blaming yourself and your past for the shitty things that happen now. That doesn’t even make sense. You know what I mean. I just think we should all move on. I think I should move on.

(And even if the stupid/ awful thing only happened yesterday, we should still move on with our lives. We should apologise and drink tea and take a couple of deep breaths and move on. Move forward. Into the infinite abyss.)

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