Friday, January 06, 2012

being single.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about being single. I’ve spent almost a full year being single. This is the longest I’ve been single since before I had my first boyfriend at fifteen. I’m still adapting. I’m used to being in a relationship. Or rather, I used to be used to being in a relationship. If you stuck me in one now, I’d realise that I’ve forgotten how relationships work. I’d still want to hang around in my pyjamas all day and go for pints and see my friends and kiss everyone. I don’t know if I’d have much room in my brain, let alone my schedule, for a significant other. Although, a boyfriend would be great. Regular sex and someone to eat Chinese food with? Bliss. But since it really is slim pickings these days as far as potential boyfriends go, I figured I’d come up with a list of reasons why being single is fab. Because it is. Most of the time.

Ten Reasons Why Being Single is the Best Thing Ever in the Whole Wide World.
(Apart from bagels. Bagels are my favourite. They’re better than anything.)
  1. Being single is groovy because you can flirt with everyone, all day every day. (Mostly when I flirt, it is because I am oblivious. But it’s still nice to do it without fear of being chastised by your significant other.)
  2. Being single is fabulous because you can eat as much food as you want without being embarrassed. (Although if you eat too much, you may run the risk of being single forever.)
  3. Being single is great because when you’re sick, no one has to see you looking all pale and snotty-nosed. Also, you look after yourself and make your own soup and that makes you feel like an independent woman of the twenty-sixth century.
  4. Being single is wonderful because you can let your legs get really hairy. (I am case and point.)
  5. Being single is flawless because you can write scathing reviews on Tumblr about tragic kisses you’ve had to endure with tragic idiots (and the tragic idiot isn’t your boyfriend so you don’t have to feel the tragic realisation of knowing that you’re stuck in a tragic relationship with sub-standard kissing).
  6. Being single is marvellous because look on the bright side – think of some of the boys you know. Do you really wanna have to put up with that tall, loud, annoying guy who has no manners? Or the guy who really needs to invest in some conditioner and maybe a hair treatment? No, of course not. You have standards.
  7. Being single is delicious because you can listen to whatever music you want to listen to without having to somehow defend Glee or Busted or worse – Westlife. (No one needs the stress of having to come up with on-the-spot arguments defending music that really shouldn’t need to be defended.)
  8. Being single is just swell because you don’t have to apologise for being depressed for no reason. (I always felt horribly guilty if I was depressed while in a relationship, as though my being sad would somehow make my boyfriend realise what a truly terrible person I was, and that I was projecting my sadness onto him and making him sad too.)
  9. Being single is quality because you don’t end up in that horrible heart-breaking situation where you’ve misinterpreted something your boyfriend said and now you think he’s called you fat and ugly and a whole host of other awful things. Really he just mentioned that he’d rather not get a Chinese this weekend (clearly you’re not emotionally compatible) and might instead opt for something a bit healthier. This obviously means that he thinks you’re a slob and you should eat a bit of lettuce. (He doesn’t mean that, he’s just sick of Chinese. But your self-esteem is low and you’re mental and probably PMS-ing.)
  10. And finally … Being single is excellent because no one gets to see the behind-the-scenes footage. You look amazing on a night out. Let’s face it, you do. But the work that goes into that picture of perfection? No one needs to see that. No one needs to see you pre-shower, with stubbly legs and a unibrow and red cheeks and hair that can’t decide whether it’s frizzy or greasy so it just goes for a horror-story combination of both. You know when you’re getting ready for a night on the razzle and you come out of the shower and immediately start sweating profusely because of all the rushing around you’re doing? No one needs to see that. You have an image to maintain. You work that flawless, serene look while sitting in the pub, all lipstick and pretty eyelashes. That’s the look you want to convey to someone whose bones you want to jump. Or indeed, someone whose bones you are already jumping on a regular basis. No one wants to bed a tomato with legs. Well, I mean, some people probably do. You’ll always get the weirdos with fetishes for that sort of thing. The point is, being single means that you can look like an ogre in the privacy of your own home and not repulse anyone. Except yourself.
    There are a million more reasons why being single is great, and an equal number of reasons why being in a relationship is great. There’s a lot to be said for watching DVDs with someone who you think is cute and dressing up for a reason other than to drink copious amounts of cider. But then, there’s a lot to be said for a quiet night in with yourself, a DVD and a bottle of wine, and dressing up for no other reason than because you want to feel fab about yourself.

    But, inexplicably, I want a boyfriend now. You know when you really want a boyfriend and you’re not exactly getting a lot of offers and you think that maybe you should just settle for that one awkward, boring kid who seems to fancy you? I have that. But I also have a resolution this year: I will not kiss boys whom (who?) I am not attracted to. This probably seems a stupid thing to say. I mean, why would you kiss someone you weren’t attracted to? Well, I get bored and lonely and then I kiss whoever (whomever?) shows me the least bit of attention. Needless to say, it usually ends badly. (One of the consequences being that I hate myself.) So no more of that. This year I will only kiss boys whom (who?) I find interesting, or attractive, or fun, or all three. I won’t kiss boys just for the sake of kissing boys. Also, I will master the subtle art of using whom/ who correctly.