Sunday, November 27, 2011
It's reaching out across the bed in the dark and grasping only air. There's no one there. Just me and this darkness. Me pondering people. Evaluating every relationship I've ever had and finding that I was the one to cause their destruction and downfall. Why did I cry? Why did I over-react? Why did I react at all? Didn't I realise that this was something amazing? And stupid things, like you being anti-social, didn't matter in the Great Scheme of Things? It doesn't matter now. None of your flaws matter. Mine matter. Because they're all I have left.
I have two beds – a single bed at college, a double bed at home. My double bed has lots of memories. It's too big with just me in it. I imagine that there's someone else there, a lover sleeping peacefully beside me, grinding his teeth and breathing deeply. My single bed is for me alone. I've never shared it with anyone else. It has no romantic or sexual connotations. It is for sleep and nursing a sore, hung-over head. There's no room for anyone else. That feeling, that notion, is a glorious one. It is a luxury for me not to miss someone. But when I'm here on my own at home in my double bed at four in the morning and I'm half-dreaming about old flames and missing them more than I could ever explain, bed is not comfortable or comforting. It's cold and dreary and utterly tragic. And half empty.
And I'm thinking about everything. I'm thinking about you tonight. I rarely think about you. I try not to. It still stings and I'm embarrassed. I can't talk about you. Talking about you is worse. I can't hear your name mentioned without feeling uncomfortable and sad and lonely. And half-empty. And furious with myself. I should be furious with you. I was for a while. And then there was mutiny and I just got angry with myself.
You said you never loved me. Why did you say that? Maybe it was true – maybe I'm unlovable. But why did you tell me you loved me? Why did you make me feel safe and happy and loved? And why am I still thinking about you almost a year later?
Maybe if things hadn't ended like that, I'd be over you by now. I loved you. I love you. But we didn't last that long and you shouldn't still matter. But what you said – the words coming out of your mouth that I didn't believe were yours – broke my heart. And I went and did everything you said I'd do and I hated myself more for it. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy from the moment the words left your mouth.
I don't know why I'm thinking about you tonight, in the small hours of the morning. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm nostalgic. I miss you. I miss everything about you. Everything. Even your flaws. Maybe even especially your flaws.
You're not here and you'll never be here again. And I don't think I'll ever get over that fact.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Today was successful, I think. I bought a cute pair of black peg-leg trousers from Penneys for my Co-Op interview tomorrow, as well a blouse that was on sale in A Wear, a couple of pairs of over-the-knee socks, a teal-coloured blazer, and some jewellery.
Last night I was perusing the internet, on the look out for clothes and accessories that I can’t afford, when I stumbled across GwenDelicious on Etsy. Every piece of jewellery in that shop is just amazing. It’s all type-writer key necklaces, telescope pendants and just general loveliness. This acorn necklace, £25.36 and featured on A Cup of Jo, really took my eye:
Imagine my delight when I spotted a similar necklace today in Penneys, reduced from €3 to €1. Miracles really do happen!
Also, my new blouse is called Emma. What a coincidence!
I am once again penniless but I do have another job interview on Monday for Next in Childers Road Retail Park. That will be my fifth interview in the space of a week. Things are beginning to look up. It’s just as well because after today’s light shopping, I’m hungry for more. River Island have some utterly gorgeous cardies and maxi skirts at the moment and I need them. You know, in the western sense of the word.
I am going to go get a can of Coke now and read up on Pfizer for my interview in the morning. Then I will sleep and it will be good.
Hope you’re all well!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I was going to post this picture the other day after my interview with Next in the Crescent Shopping Centre. I was going to ask if you thought I’d get the job, based on what I was wearing. (I never got around to doing that though because I went to an Out in UL meeting and then a pint in Scholar’s and then lots of fun.) As it turns out, my outfit was suitable. Or maybe it was my enthusiasm that sealed the deal. Or my right answers to those what-would-you-do-in-this-situation questions. Whatever the reason, I got the job! I am now a sales consultant for Next in the Crescent. It’s just a Christmas thing, which suits me fine because next semester I’m off on Co-Op (that’s ‘work experience’ to those of you who are not familiar with the bizarre lingo UL employs).
This week has been filled with job interviews and job offers and fabulousness. I have an interview for Co-Op on Friday morning, which is excellent news: I’ve been worrying lately about the complete lack of progress on that front. This is my first Co-Op interview and it’s Week 11. Not normal. Anyway, this is a step in the right direction. I’m excited and nervous.
I have an induction at Next tomorrow afternoon. I’m gonna go to town, pick up a suit thing for my Co-Op interview (I really want this job!) and a Christmassy jumper for next week’s Christmas Days. (I saw a gorgeous reindeer one in the men’s window of Penneys last week and I’ve been dreaming about it ever since!) Then onto Next in Raheen and entering the working world. (The fact that this world involves clothes and a staff discount makes me very happy indeed.)
My grant finally arrived today: I celebrated by buying food. (Two jars of pasta sauce, bagels, cheese, ham, orange juice, and milk. If you’re wondering.) The rest of my grant money has to go towards paying off my various debts (including thirty yo-yos for a Dylan Moran gig I went to in Cork a couple of weeks ago).
Today I got caught in the rain. It was fab. You know that really heavy rain that you’re walking in for ages and you just can’t avoid it and your socks are wet and you’re soaked to the skin? I love that. I love coming inside after being out in horrible weather and having a shower and putting on pyjamas and getting into bed. And that’s what I did. A hot shower, clean bedsheets, bagel, Father Ted, and a power nap. A pretty nice way to recover from last night’s drunken hilarity (I was neither drunk nor hilarious, but Ellen was).
Is it wrong that I want crisps? My ‘healthy lifestyle’ was short-lived, obviously. I want crisps and sleep. Tomorrow will be busy but I am excited. Life is sweet right now. :)
P.S. I rarely wear trousers or jeans so on Monday and Tuesday, on my way to and from my interviews, I was almost crippled by an irrational fear of camel toe. What lovely imagery!
Sunday, November 06, 2011
This week will be University of Limerick’s very first Rainbow Week. It’ll be packed full of events and campaigns to help raise awareness of LGBT issues in UL, and to showcase the LGBT community in Limerick. I can’t wait! Monday is the launch, a fancy cocktail party with dresses and suits and fun. (I want a 1920s inspired look for the occasion. I’m thinking relaxed curls, a black sequined headband, Empire line black dress, red cardie, and bright red lips. What do you think?)
If you’re in UL, or you happen to be around during the week, do pop in and see some of the festivities that’ll be happening around campus, including a bizarre Drag Race. (Amateur drag kings and queens will race across the college with all proceeds from the event going to The Red Ribbon Project and to Rainbow Support Services. It will be hilarious!)
For more info on Rainbow Week, and other events happening during the week, check it out on Facebook by clicking here. :)
Image from Out in UL’s Facebook page.
Saturday, November 05, 2011
Image from Polyvore.com.
Friday, November 04, 2011
Image from Essence.eu.