Wednesday, July 20, 2011

low self-esteem 2k11.

Can I just mention that my concentration levels are way down right now thanks to the half glass of wine I just drank? Just putting that out there. Here’s a post about feelings:

I’m feeling very unattractive lately. It’s due to a multitude of things really. My hair is awful. A truly tragic colour with roots showing down to my ears (practically). But I’m waiting it out and I’m being good to it and not straightening it or dyeing it and rarely even blow-drying it. I’m being very saint-like when it comes to my hair but it doesn’t mean I don’t resent it with every fibre of my being. It makes me feel ugly and plain and ugh. It doesn’t do anything for my skin tone (which, let’s face it, leaves something to be desired anyway) and it makes me feel like a scummer. 

So here’s my hair lately, if you’re interested. Which of course you’re not. I’m the only person obsessing about my appearance. And rightly so. But then also wrongly so. Because why? Why am I obsessing? It doesn’t change anything. I’ve been trying for months to just accept the fact that I’m not attractive but it doesn’t work because I keep thinking that it’s just not fair. It’s not fair that some people – in fact, most people I know – are so beautiful and I look like a flippin’ goat. An ugly goat, at that. One that’s let herself go completely. I dunno. Basically, here’s my hair:

Actually, it doesn’t even look that bad there. Which is strange. Probably because it was clean. And my natural colour is sort of similar-ish to the unnatural colour that the rest of my hair is afflicted with. But it’s not blonde. And it’s short. Therefore it’s shit. But I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with having long hair – my hair hasn’t been properly long since I made my First Holy Communion at the age of eight and a half. And I hated my hair then. But my hair has been short for such a long time now – first in May ‘07 and then again in July ‘10 and then again two months ago. Of course the last time was through no fault of my own. Well, I mean, it was my fault. But I didn’t want to cut it. It was just my fault that it had to get cut. I damaged it beyond recognition and it was a small wonder for a while that I wasn’t rocking the skinhead look. But whatever. I have learned my lesson. I’m taking care of my hair. But I hate it something sinister. On the bright side, it is uber soft and healthy looking, despite the tragic colour(s). I don’t know. I think, with regards to my hair, I have to sit pretty for a bit.

Unfortunately, being the ogre that I am, this is an impossibility for me. My skin has gone to poo and merde and American water/ air/ fire/ everything is disagreeing with my system. And my eyebrows are just awful – I hate them with a passion both strong and rare. I sorted out one today and left the other cause I got lazy. So I’m half Tiny Eyebrow Girl and half Grizzly Adams which is, you know, fun.

Also, I’m a fat mess but I’ve been gymming it up lately so who knows? Maybe eventually I’ll stop being the Augustus Gloop of my group of friends. Maybe. But then again, maybe I was just destined to resemble a big red beach ball? Who knows? Life is strange.

The moral of the story is that I feel ugly and there’s not a thing anyone can say to change this. I just feel it and I’m waiting it out and I’m hoping this bout of melancholia and rock-bottom self-esteem will pass like everything else. Maybe sometime in the future I can feel pretty again? Maybe.

Apologies for this bleak post. I’m off to make a sandwich.

2 comments:

  1. This is completely off the point of your post here, but when I was younger I read these books (the Angus,Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging series) and the main character, Georgia, talks/writes exactly like you. She even says "poo and merde" with surprising regularity.
    Anyway, I feel your pain. I haven't been able to find a tweezers for the past month so my eyebrows spiral out of control more and more each day.
    My hairdresser argues with me on a regular basis about the state of my hair, and how I should look after it better, and every 3 months or so I buy an "intensive treatment" and vow to care for my hair. It never happens, and I am now planning on going blonde again, because I am selfish and have this image in my head of me as a blonde "pretty vintagey" type. Which will never happen because of my lack of funds and inability to find nice clothes.
    Also, all of my friends seem to be shrinking while my hips and arms and feet seem to enlarge by the minute.

    Apologies for this rambly, pointless comment but I just wanted to say I understand the low-self esteem moments. But they always pass, and we all have pretty days and crappy days, and basically I hope you have more pretty than crappy and I hope you're enjoying the US.

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  2. Wow. What a perfect comment. Thank you!

    I actually read those books too - I still love them. Georgia is my idol, haha. So I'm thieving her phrases. I actually went through a phase of calling my parents Mutti and Vati. :/

    You basically just described my life right there: wanting to be a blonde, pretty vintagey type but just being unable. I wonder do these people exist or is it only in Photoshopped pictures you find on Lookbook? But yeah, definitely the lack of funds hinders me too, sadly. Penneys is great though.

    And, omg, my friends are miniscule. I feel like a monster beside them most of the time. But I'm attempting to persuade myself that food is rotten and I'm gonna cut down. My problem isn't sweeties, it's eating larger portions. I just like my dinner is all, ha. But I found that if you really really really concentrate on what you're eating, it all starts to feel a bit weird and you don't enjoy it as much, which means you eat less. That sounds very 'thinspirational' but it's not meant to be, it's just something I've noticed.

    Anyway, I loved this comment. Thank you. Thank you so much. Take care, lovely. x

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