Friday, February 04, 2011

wonderful.

Life is very, very good right now. Exhausting, full of people, friendly people. Full of laughing and junk food and college. I am tired now, but happy. Really happy. There are projects and books and there is pink hair. Everything has fallen into place. And everything happens for a reason.

I’ve learned this past month. I’ve grown up. I haven’t regressed like you thought I would (and like I feared I would). I feel so alive now, I could cry. But it’s not sad crying, it’s growing up crying. It’s happy. It’s raw emotion.

Lately, I feel like feelings are gay. I feel like a sap when I talk about feelings. And Public Displays of Affection are disgusting. (Unless you’re in Trooms and you’re off your face on cider, in which case, that’s fine.) I used to talk about my feelings a lot more, but I’ve learned that it’s a boring subject. It’s repetitive. And in many ways, it’s better to play your cards close to your chest.

If I need to say something though, to get it out of my head, I write. That’s what this is. There are too many thoughts in my head after two weeks of chaos and this is cathartic.

“If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it.”

This is me breathing. And it feels nice and strange.

I wonder if you ever think about me. I think about you. Not every day, but sometimes. I think of your face and how much I loved it. It was such a waste of love. But I learned. Do you think about me? I doubt it. I doubt you’re capable. Do you not have memories though? Mine are getting blurry, I’ll admit, but I need them to: I need you out of my head. You were so destructive. You could have ruined everything, but you didn’t. I feel lucky but I know it’s my own doing; I kept me alive and sane and happy.

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

The above is everything I wanted a month ago. And I achieved it.

It is late and I will be exhausted in the morning but life is all kinds of wonderful right now. x

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