Thursday, February 10, 2011

i don’t know.

I don’t really think much about my personality. I think about my thoughts. And they’re completely different. I think that if you didn’t know me, this blog would make me seem as though I’m introverted and insightful. I’m really not: I’m a freak. I freak people out. It’s really little wonder that I don’t have a boyfriend, the things I talk about. I tried to ‘flirt’ with a boy in one of my tutorials the other day. We, or rather, I, talked about:

  • Wearing a turban and singing Candy Shop by 50 Cent.
  • Filling GAA socks with coins and hitting people with them.
  • Vikings.
  • Hurlies.
  • Asians.

And pretty much just general nonsense.

I’m a freak. And not even nearly attractive. Or interesting. Or tolerable. I’m good for light entertainment, maybe friendship, but that’s it. That’s all. And I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself right now. And I want to go to sleep and not go to college tomorrow but I know I’ll feel ten times worse if I don’t go. So I’ll go to sleep, I’ll wake up, I’ll have a shower and I’ll go to college. And maybe I’ll feel better just ‘cause I’ve done those things. And maybe I’ll drink tea and talk about my feelings. Though I doubt it. Not the ‘talking about my feelings’ bit anyway.

Things don’t make sense right now. It’s the cider and it’s my lack of social skills. I wish I was back in that safe situation where I could judge you for not having social skills, without ever really having to demonstrate my own. Mine always seemed greater than yours anyway, purely because I was able to talk to strangers. But that doesn’t make me a socialite, that just means that I have no shame. I can talk, but I’m really not saying much. I’m making people laugh, but maybe they’re just laughing at me. And I miss you.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what would help. Would crying help? I don’t think it would. But neither does avoiding my brain, avoiding my thoughts and avoiding missing you. So I don’t know. I want someone here. No one in particular, just someone.

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