It was never the ‘dickhead’ that made me paranoid, it was those on the outside looking in. The people speculating about how insane I was. What a waste of time I was. I was no good. I was psychotic. And messed up. Those people are still there, the people who don’t like me and who will never like me, no matter what I do. Maybe they’re not speculating anymore though. They don’t know me well enough to know that I am insane. They know I’m a bit strange but they don’t know that I think like this. I don’t know. I feel like I’m in a time warp.
This is three years ago and my heart is thoroughly consumed. I didn’t think that this would ever happen again. It is terrifying. And it’s making me sad. No, not sad. Emotional. Tearful. Confused. I want everything to be right but I know I’m making everything wrong.