Wednesday, October 06, 2010

today is bad/ good.

I have Wednesdays off in college. Don’t know why, just do. Sheer dumb luck probably. This Wednesday was not a good Wednesday. I had wonderful plans to start my essay on the Irish Literary Revival (which is due tomorrow and which I had four weeks to complete). These plans were thwarted by my emotional ineptitude. Ya know when things just go wrong? I had that.

I woke up at a fairly normal hour and had a bowl of Rice Krispies. Then I had a shower. The water started going cold just as I was almost finished. I considered this more dumb luck too, since I’d been expecting to have a 100% cold shower. So I was clean. And full of cereal. I set off to the library and this is when my day started to go downhill.

It’s a nasty aul trek uphill (ish) to the college if you’re not in the humour for it and I had my laptop and other unnecessary paraphernalia in a shoulder bag on my weak shoulders (alternately). I was starting to think I was becoming even more unfit ‘cause I was breathless the whole way to the library but that doesn’t make sense: I’ve been doing more running around since I started here than I ever used to. How could I be even less healthy? Then I deduced that it was my dirty cough. The same one that I had at the beginning of September. I’m pretty over it now, really. Unfortunately, it’s pretty into me. Which is inconvenient. And embarrassing. I am wheezing all over place. It is disgusting. And I have no energy. And I am run down. And it is a crime to the earth the amount of toilet paper I’ve gone through in the last few weeks just blowing my nose. EPA would be ashamed.

On the bright side, I have another appointment with the doctor on Friday. My first one was succinct, to say the least. I only got to mention my crippled foot before I was shooed out the door again. Soft tissue damage from when I fell down the stairs. Yeah. I’m a classy bird. My foot is not getting any better. Exercises? Ice? What? Must start that regime. Before I die of the heartbreak.

My next appointment is Friday at half two. I have many things to discuss. I’m really not a hypochondriac. Really.

I’ve run out of money again. No, I’m lying. I have €5. But what could I possibly want to purchase? I have enough milk and Rice Krispies to last me until Friday. So all is well. Sadly, though, I can’t remember when I last saw fruit. (Well, there’s a bag of apples on my desk here but I dunno if I’d trust ‘em.)

I’m really and truly beginning to resent my emo scars. And I can’t even go into the reasons why. I don’t regret them. I mean, I’m alive, aren’t I? But I feel like a health-hazard around certain people. I feel like I’m toxic, like I’ll contaminate you too. That’s not a specific ‘you’, that’s everyone. I don’t know. They’re not nice anymore, those scars. My right arm is so lovely.

So far this has been a bad week, mood-wise. I’ve been taking my tablets but that’s it. I’ve neglected everything else. I made a conscious effort today to do something worthwhile. To feel good. To look nice. To get something done. But I came home feeling worse than ever. Not worse than ever, just worse than yesterday. Time goes by too fast.

I’m not tired, I couldn’t be. I am always sleeping. And what is there to be sad about? Maybe it is time. Maybe that’s what’s getting me down. I want it to slow down. I don’t want essays to creep up on me. I don’t want days to go by so fast. I don’t want sleep to feel so lightning quick. Most importantly, I don’t want the weekend to slip through my fingers. Just. Slow. Down.

Last weekend was nice. It involved attempting to recover from my illness, eating chips and watching X Factor with the family and watching stand-up comedy on late-night telly. It was lovely and relaxing. But it wasn’t enough. Where do I fit you in? Any of you. It is exhausting just thinking about it. But I am always exhausted.

I don’t know. I’m waffling.

To celebrate the lack of an actual point to this post, here are some nice pictures from my Nice Pictures folder on my computer. Yay.

A Storm

Ain't No Sunshine

All Women Masturbate

I Adore You

Cardboard Stars

Come and Rest Your Bones

Fears Erased

Fuck Distance

Good Girls

Hungry Hands

I Want to Kiss You

Lovers

Stay Calm

There Will Be Trouble

Two Separate Beings

Those pictures have cheered me up. I chose them because they’re relevant right now and they’re reminded me just how lovely my life is right now, despite an occasional Bad Day. But this day has improved. Because life – not just my life – is wonderful.

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