For the first time since moving here, I can’t sleep. I am clean and my bed is clean and it is late. I should be sleeping. I’ve eaten fruit and Rice Krispies and read my book. I should be asleep. But I’m not. My mind is racing. No, not racing. Pacing.
Seeing you in all your morbidity was strange. As long as I’ve known you, I still don’t understand you. I probably never will. You are so difficult. I never know when to believe you. You were so awful to me a few months ago, and I know I deserved it. But you tell me now that I am a lovely person. I’m not. I haven’t changed in two months. Not really. Not in ways you’d notice. I’ve told you, but you won’t see the effects. Not in two hours of conversation. I haven’t resumed emo antics and I haven’t been drunk. But you still have no respect for me. I think I’m finally past needing it though. You are so cynical. You always have been. Beneath every cynic, there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. I was always injured.
We are so different now. Once upon a time we were on the same page. The same line. For a while, we were the same word, or at least the same idea. But we were not good for each other. And I think I’m only realising that fully now. That’s maturity, age. That’s moving away from home and finding that there is so much more to life than inflicting yourself on someone because you think it’s meant to be. That’s what that was. It’s scary.
‘I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’ (Maya Angelou)
‘You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life but you didn’t love her because you don’t destroy the person that you love.’ (Callie Torres)
‘Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.’
I am in a very thoughtful mood. Life is constantly moving. I want you here now. For sleep and company and heartbeats.