Monday, October 18, 2010



I am in a peculiar mood. I’m always in a peculiar mood when I have an essay due tomorrow that I haven’t started yet. But I don’t mind. Because this week will be good. Maybe. Music and alcohol and lovely company.

I’ve been thinking lately about things that are worth being alive for. So far, I’ve come up with the following:

1. Being warm and comfy in bed.
2. Kissing someone lovely.
3. Making new friends.
4. Developing those friendships.
5. When you have a good hair day and your hair is lovely and soft.
6. Golden Weeks.
7. A sleepy conscience.
8. Tea and sandwiches.
9. Tea and biscuits.
10. Tea for the sake of tea.
11. Making tea for guests.
12. Coffee.
13. Coffee and chocolate.
14. Feeling mature.
15. Doing things by yourself.
16. Being in the middle of reading a good book and being utterly consumed in the story.
17. Sharing life stories.
18. Having a quiet pint with friends.
19. Dancing.
20. Babies.
21. Doggies.
22. Being in the wild throes of passion.
23. Taking nice photos of you and your friends.
24. Settling into college.
25. Quality time with Mummy Dearest.

Naturally, there are thousands upon thousands of things I could add to this list but these are just those things which are at the front of my brain tonight. Life is sweet.

But – because there’s always a ‘but’ – there’s this distance. I don’t know how it happened. It bothers me. But it’s a familiar distance. It’s a distance I understand – I’ve been here before, I’ve been this far away. It’s comforting in a way to know that it is not my fault. Most things are my fault, you see. This isn’t. I’m being good and nice. Trying to, at least. It’s more of a challenge than it used to be.  But I was very weak. I don’t want to say ‘pushover’ but I think I just have. I’m assertive now. Or just rude. I don’t know. The point is, I’m being nice now but I feel like it’s going over your head.

As more and more people start to read this blog, I’m becoming more and more limited in what I can say, whether outright or in riddles. People guess. Sometimes incorrectly. I cause offence. This is difficult. I feel like I’m censoring myself and I really don’t want to. But it’s not worth arguments.

I miss Ms Grace. I miss Fintan. I miss being challenged. I’m not challenged now; I am simply drowning. I am confused. Hug me, please.

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