Wednesday, October 27, 2010

getting better.

More medicine. Lots of medicine. Gooey eye. Allergy tablets. Decongestant spray. Sometimes I think I’m not really cut out for this world. Sometimes I need six different types of medication just to get me through the day. It’s not healthy, but at least I’m alive.

I had my first proper counselling session as a college student today. It was lovely. I laughed. Properly laughed. Declan is so nice.  Cognitive therapy is interesting. And sort of amusing. What’s the opposite of ‘ugly’? ‘Alright’. Hmm. Good enough.

My mood is lifting. It’s because of Declan and it’s because I’m better. I still feel a bit too emotional, but it’s okay. I’m resilient, apparently.

And tomorrow will be good. Hallowe’en Ball. Vodka. Orange juice. This will be different. Just because of the vodka. I never drink vodka. But at €4, I kind of have to. Cider is too expensive. And not very versatile.

Then it will be Friday and another weekend. I will sleep. And exercise. And see my lovely new boots.That is all.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

dvhbgn.

I dreamt lately that someone had emo scars similar to mine. Well, I don’t remember dreaming it. It seemed real. But then, I don’t remember it actually happening. I don’t know. It was almost nice, seeing them on someone else. Theirs were white though. Old.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

utdcyfbhj.

 

This isn’t the place for listing your wonderful and amazing personality traits or mentioning your beautiful eyes and smile. And nose. And belly. And the way you say certain words. And your hands. So I won’t mention them. This is just a nod to how lovely you are.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

good things and new things.

I phoned the County Council yesterday to ask about my grant. They haven’t got to my form yet. I see this as a good thing. It at least explains why I haven’t got the funds yet and contradicts my thoughts about them deciding that I lived a much too luxurious life to warrant them giving me their money. Which is fantastically untrue. In the meantime, while they work through Batches 13 and 14, I’ll sit pretty. And poor. But it’s okay.

Class Rep duties. I’m not good at them. I’m good at communicating, I think. (I like to think.) I’m not in the mood though, at the moment. So I’m letting things pile on top of Colm for the time being. Which is terrible. But we’ll get purple hoodies and it will be okay. And I will make it up to Colm. There will be cider and crisps involved. Pub flavoured crisps.

Today was productive. Yesterday too. Yesterday, I rang the Grants People and went to find the Welfare Officer (failed, but I now know when and where to find him tomorrow). I also bought dividers, a glossy magazine and a student diary (a fact about me: if I don’t write things down, they won’t happen). I got an extension on my essay, which was desperately needed. I went to see the student counsellor who was lovely and who I’ll return to see in a week or two, which is nice. I like talking about things. It keeps me sane.

I got dinner yesterday too. With vegetables. It was exciting. And healthy. And lovely. Chicken and broccoli bake with garlic potatoes. Yum. 

Today, I met with the other kids in my group for our project for Cultural Studies. We’re metaphorically going to college in Germany and we’re gonna find out the cultural differences. We interviewed Casper. I am not even joking. He was cute. I want to live in Germany/ be German.

I printed out lots of notes and read The Playboy of the Western World, which is a very, very funny play. I did most of the readings for my lectures for the next two days. I highlighted things. I got a book out of the library. In fact, I spent hours in the library today. Very productive indeed.

Tomorrow I will go to lectures and tutorials, including the notorious Jason King tutorial, in which I will weep probably. (I hate him. I am also terrified of him.) After that, I will do assignments. I will double space and reference. It will be amazing. Then I will go to that Fight Like Apes gig and drink cider and relax for a few hours. It will be good.

On a more graphic note, my body seems to be going into shutdown. My immune system has gone to poo and merde. I won’t go into the gross details but suffice it to say that my whole body has been affected by this college thing. I have an eye infection. Why, like? Just why? And a nosebleed. This is too tragic. Even for Shakespeare.

Happily though, this weekend is a long one, meaning an extra night at home. This is lovely and very much appreciated. I am looking forward to it, especially since I left my book at home and was nearing the dénouement. Poo and merde. (I’m feeling particularly French tonight. And German also. Just mainland European in general, I think.) Also, I’m going to be blonder this weekend. Hopefully. I am Blackie McRoots at the moment. It’s tragic, you know.

That’s about the bulk of my thoughts tonight. Goodbye.

Monday, October 18, 2010

funny.

  

I am in a peculiar mood. I’m always in a peculiar mood when I have an essay due tomorrow that I haven’t started yet. But I don’t mind. Because this week will be good. Maybe. Music and alcohol and lovely company.

I’ve been thinking lately about things that are worth being alive for. So far, I’ve come up with the following:

1. Being warm and comfy in bed.
2. Kissing someone lovely.
3. Making new friends.
4. Developing those friendships.
5. When you have a good hair day and your hair is lovely and soft.
6. Golden Weeks.
7. A sleepy conscience.
8. Tea and sandwiches.
9. Tea and biscuits.
10. Tea for the sake of tea.
11. Making tea for guests.
12. Coffee.
13. Coffee and chocolate.
14. Feeling mature.
15. Doing things by yourself.
16. Being in the middle of reading a good book and being utterly consumed in the story.
17. Sharing life stories.
18. Having a quiet pint with friends.
19. Dancing.
20. Babies.
21. Doggies.
22. Being in the wild throes of passion.
23. Taking nice photos of you and your friends.
24. Settling into college.
25. Quality time with Mummy Dearest.

Naturally, there are thousands upon thousands of things I could add to this list but these are just those things which are at the front of my brain tonight. Life is sweet.

But – because there’s always a ‘but’ – there’s this distance. I don’t know how it happened. It bothers me. But it’s a familiar distance. It’s a distance I understand – I’ve been here before, I’ve been this far away. It’s comforting in a way to know that it is not my fault. Most things are my fault, you see. This isn’t. I’m being good and nice. Trying to, at least. It’s more of a challenge than it used to be.  But I was very weak. I don’t want to say ‘pushover’ but I think I just have. I’m assertive now. Or just rude. I don’t know. The point is, I’m being nice now but I feel like it’s going over your head.

As more and more people start to read this blog, I’m becoming more and more limited in what I can say, whether outright or in riddles. People guess. Sometimes incorrectly. I cause offence. This is difficult. I feel like I’m censoring myself and I really don’t want to. But it’s not worth arguments.

I miss Ms Grace. I miss Fintan. I miss being challenged. I’m not challenged now; I am simply drowning. I am confused. Hug me, please.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

home.

For the first time since starting college, I miss home. Which is good, I suppose: I thought it would happen sooner. This is Week 6 and I really miss home. I miss my mother. I miss my bed. I miss dinners. I miss watching True Movies with Mammy. I miss winding her up. I miss winding Tommy up. I miss going to the shop. I miss being allowed to stay indoors all day. I sort of miss school. The familiarity. It was easy. All you had to do was a bit of homework every now and again and you’d be fine. Now QCA is important (and I’m not even sure what that is). I miss getting a hug from my mother when I felt sad. Having a cry. I am the youngest in my family and I’m used to being treated as such. I miss having hugs when I feel sad. And the weekend goes too fast.

I may go to the cinema on Friday (and that will be lovely). I will see my lovely Hazel on Saturday. I will pack my bags on Sunday and commence another college week. It’s hopeless. Where’s the time for anything? Where’s the time for hanging around the house with Mutti and reading for pleasure and using my time wisely by doing essays? There is no time. And it is so hard to prioritise.

I would like a hug now, please. Get in my bed and hold me ‘til I fall asleep. I’ll cry but it’s okay. I just want to feel held. As though someone else’s arms is the only thing holding me together. Because it probably is.

I’ve eaten lots of food today in an effort to avoid college work and, I don’t know, life. We’re talking custard, we’re talking pasta, we’re talking umpteen slices of Aldi ham. What is wrong with me? Lately I have been reminded that I attract the weirdos. It is unsurprising really, considering my diet. And the fact that I am insane.

It is late. I am rambling. Life is weird. I want to go home.

x

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

this is how i feel.

‘If you see a whole thing - it seems that it’s always beautiful. Planets, lives … But close up a world’s all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life’s a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern.’ (Ursula K. Le Guin)

‘We only write about two feelings: one is the first day of summer when you and all of your friends are standing on the edge of a cliff watching the sun set and being overcome with all of your hopes and dreams at once. The other is when you’re walking alone in the rain and realize you will be alone forever.’ (The Drums)

‘Another common misconception: You need to learn from your mistakes. What do you really learn from mistakes? You might learn what not to do again…You still don’t know what you should do next.’ (ReWork)

‘I like to challenge myself in many ways. I go from being raw and deviant to light and observational. Vulgar and blunt to eloquent and gentle. It doesn’t always work but I fucking commit to it like no one you know.’ (Dane Cook)

‘It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile and kiss their face gently before turning back around and somehow, an involuntary grin forms on your face. Just before you drift off to sleep, you feel an arm wrap around your waist and you know…’

Monday, October 11, 2010

not sleeping, thinking.

For the first time since moving here, I can’t sleep. I am clean and my bed is clean and it is late. I should be sleeping. I’ve eaten fruit and Rice Krispies and read my book. I should be asleep. But I’m not. My mind is racing. No, not racing. Pacing.

Seeing you in all your morbidity was strange. As long as I’ve known you, I still don’t understand you. I probably never will. You are so difficult. I never know when to believe you. You were so awful to me a few months ago, and I know I deserved it. But you tell me now that I am a lovely person. I’m not. I haven’t changed in two months. Not really. Not in ways you’d notice. I’ve told you, but you won’t see the effects. Not in two hours of conversation. I haven’t resumed emo antics and I haven’t been drunk. But you still have no respect for me. I think I’m finally past needing it though. You are so cynical. You always have been. Beneath every cynic, there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. I was always injured.

We are so different now. Once upon a time we were on the same page. The same line. For a while, we were the same word, or at least the same idea. But we were not good for each other. And I think I’m only realising that fully now. That’s maturity, age. That’s moving away from home and finding that there is so much more to life than inflicting yourself on someone because you think it’s meant to be. That’s what that was. It’s scary.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’ (Maya Angelou)

‘You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life but you didn’t love her because you don’t destroy the person that you love.’ (Callie Torres)

‘Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.’

I am in a very thoughtful mood. Life is constantly moving. I want you here now. For sleep and company and heartbeats.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

things what i have learned since i started college.

1. Limerick is the rainiest city in Ireland. The €4 I spent on an umbrella in Penneys was the greatest investment of my life. A day with a clear sky is a rare, precious and beautiful thing in UL.

2. Ugg boots are very, very popular. Nine out of ten girls wear them every day in college. It baffles me. I’m torn between bringing mine with me this week or burning them altogether. I thought we left uniforms behind in secondary school?

3. UL is full of Septic Tanks. It is bizarre. There are more Americans in my college than Irish people. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It’s just … unexpected. I have an American friend called Mary. She can’t say ‘Bulmers’. I don’t know whether to be amused or highly offended.

x

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

today is bad/ good.

I have Wednesdays off in college. Don’t know why, just do. Sheer dumb luck probably. This Wednesday was not a good Wednesday. I had wonderful plans to start my essay on the Irish Literary Revival (which is due tomorrow and which I had four weeks to complete). These plans were thwarted by my emotional ineptitude. Ya know when things just go wrong? I had that.

I woke up at a fairly normal hour and had a bowl of Rice Krispies. Then I had a shower. The water started going cold just as I was almost finished. I considered this more dumb luck too, since I’d been expecting to have a 100% cold shower. So I was clean. And full of cereal. I set off to the library and this is when my day started to go downhill.

It’s a nasty aul trek uphill (ish) to the college if you’re not in the humour for it and I had my laptop and other unnecessary paraphernalia in a shoulder bag on my weak shoulders (alternately). I was starting to think I was becoming even more unfit ‘cause I was breathless the whole way to the library but that doesn’t make sense: I’ve been doing more running around since I started here than I ever used to. How could I be even less healthy? Then I deduced that it was my dirty cough. The same one that I had at the beginning of September. I’m pretty over it now, really. Unfortunately, it’s pretty into me. Which is inconvenient. And embarrassing. I am wheezing all over place. It is disgusting. And I have no energy. And I am run down. And it is a crime to the earth the amount of toilet paper I’ve gone through in the last few weeks just blowing my nose. EPA would be ashamed.

On the bright side, I have another appointment with the doctor on Friday. My first one was succinct, to say the least. I only got to mention my crippled foot before I was shooed out the door again. Soft tissue damage from when I fell down the stairs. Yeah. I’m a classy bird. My foot is not getting any better. Exercises? Ice? What? Must start that regime. Before I die of the heartbreak.

My next appointment is Friday at half two. I have many things to discuss. I’m really not a hypochondriac. Really.

I’ve run out of money again. No, I’m lying. I have €5. But what could I possibly want to purchase? I have enough milk and Rice Krispies to last me until Friday. So all is well. Sadly, though, I can’t remember when I last saw fruit. (Well, there’s a bag of apples on my desk here but I dunno if I’d trust ‘em.)

I’m really and truly beginning to resent my emo scars. And I can’t even go into the reasons why. I don’t regret them. I mean, I’m alive, aren’t I? But I feel like a health-hazard around certain people. I feel like I’m toxic, like I’ll contaminate you too. That’s not a specific ‘you’, that’s everyone. I don’t know. They’re not nice anymore, those scars. My right arm is so lovely.

So far this has been a bad week, mood-wise. I’ve been taking my tablets but that’s it. I’ve neglected everything else. I made a conscious effort today to do something worthwhile. To feel good. To look nice. To get something done. But I came home feeling worse than ever. Not worse than ever, just worse than yesterday. Time goes by too fast.

I’m not tired, I couldn’t be. I am always sleeping. And what is there to be sad about? Maybe it is time. Maybe that’s what’s getting me down. I want it to slow down. I don’t want essays to creep up on me. I don’t want days to go by so fast. I don’t want sleep to feel so lightning quick. Most importantly, I don’t want the weekend to slip through my fingers. Just. Slow. Down.

Last weekend was nice. It involved attempting to recover from my illness, eating chips and watching X Factor with the family and watching stand-up comedy on late-night telly. It was lovely and relaxing. But it wasn’t enough. Where do I fit you in? Any of you. It is exhausting just thinking about it. But I am always exhausted.

I don’t know. I’m waffling.

To celebrate the lack of an actual point to this post, here are some nice pictures from my Nice Pictures folder on my computer. Yay.

A Storm

Ain't No Sunshine

All Women Masturbate

I Adore You

Cardboard Stars

Come and Rest Your Bones

Fears Erased

Fuck Distance

Good Girls

Hungry Hands

I Want to Kiss You

Lovers

Stay Calm

There Will Be Trouble

Two Separate Beings

Those pictures have cheered me up. I chose them because they’re relevant right now and they’re reminded me just how lovely my life is right now, despite an occasional Bad Day. But this day has improved. Because life – not just my life – is wonderful.

Sunday, October 03, 2010

déjà vu.

Remind me to blog about love (again) at some stage. It is bizarre watching from the sidelines, wondering if it will end the same way. It won't though. You and me are different people. And I am very picky.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

(:

I have so much to say that I don’t know where to start. I haven’t blogged in a while. I blogged about scaffolding two weeks ago. Am I going insane? Probably. I have no time for anything. No time for blogging. I spent the whole of Sixth Year reading Twilight and composing rambling blog posts. Now I’m in college for about three hours a day and can’t find the time to waffle nonsensically for the amusement of the lovely people at home (and abroad). This is bewildering. I think I’m going to make a conscious effort to blog more regularly. I like it, ya know? I miss it. Sap.

So I’m a student of New Media and English. I’m still amazed by how perfect this is. I have fourteen college hours a week. I have Wednesdays off. I like this. I sleep lots. Way more than I need to. It’s probably due to all the carbohydrates I’ve been consuming. I can’t cook. I live off sandwiches, toast and pasta. I’m sluggish. I need more fruit. Less bread.

I have approximately 664,388 essays due next week, of which I have zero completed. Or even started. The number may be closer to four but I like hyperbole. (Apparently we’re not allowed to use hyperbole in academic essays. To say I am distraught is a gross understatement.) I have dedicated this weekend to reading collegey things and at least starting those essays.

I am ill. Again. Does this seem fair to you? It baffles me. I am sick again. That’s twice in one month. Granted, we’re in October now but even so. I was snotting and sneezing on the 29th September. Not fair.

Also, as we know, I am a complete klutz. What did I do the other day? I fell down the stairs. Ugh. I hurt my bum and was convinced I’d have a monster of a bruise on my back end. So obsessed was I with my bum that I didn’t notice my foot for another day or two. I’m certain it’s broken but it’s probably not. Probably just torn ligaments. Just? I’m in agony. Well, I was. For the last three days. Four maybe. I thought it was these boots that I own that are quite narrow. My feet are fairly (and tragically) broad so I reasoned it must be the shoes and my insistence on squeezing my feet into them. So I left the shoes off. Did the pain disappear? Nope. Just got worse, innit. My right foot swelled and I cried and complained. Of course, I overslept this morning and missed the doctor. So I have to wait ‘til Monday to go to the college doctor. (My mother has taken personal offence to the fact I overslept. Grow up, Mutti.)

Illness aside (and essays and carbohydrates), life is quite nice. College is nice. Exhausting. Strange. Belittling at times. But nice. It’s nice to be grown up and away from home and independent. Home is nice too. I like coming home. I like my bed and my shower and my mother. And being fed. Being fed proper food (vegetables!) is nice.

Life is good. If I can keep my head together, it will stay good.

(This was a poor quality blog post. My sincerest apologies. I’ll make it up to ye.)