This is greedy. I almost had you convinced. I like to think I did. And that’s something. It was a nice feeling while it lasted, having you almost convinced. I thought it was an impossibility. But maybe not.
There is too much awkward thought floating around in my brain right now. Too awkward to make into coherent sentences. Too awkward to be vague and ambiguous. So I’ll avoid the Serious Stuff here until I can figure out what I’m going to do about the Serious Stuff in real life. Suffice it to say that, yes, I do lead a bizarre life but it is exciting. And I may get myself into ridiculous and stupid situations but… Well, I don’t know what the ‘but’ is there. Things are never boring, at least.
You are the only person with whom I actually feel, you know? I feel safe enough to cry with you. Even though I know that every time I do cry, I ruin us by another degree or so. But whatever. It is nice to feel human and vulnerable sometimes.
Sometimes I think I am desensitised, I really do. I don’t know when I last cried. I suppose I don’t have anything to cry about though. My life is good. Like, as good as it gets without me being a glutton. Which, let’s face it, I am – constantly wanting something more, usually something wildly unobtainable, like some person who’s just not interested.
I suppose I must have quite low self-esteem to act the way I do sometimes. But I am only human. And maybe other people look at me and think I’m doing this human thing all wrong but all I have is my own head and my own personal experiences to go on. I am doing my best with my poorly-equipped brain.
All anyone wants is to be happy. Life is too short not to be. And I imagine that there are people who look at my life and criticise it and talk about how they would never act that way because they have a sense of decorum and morals and dignity and cop on and class and whatever. But I don’t think you can really judge anyone in that respect. No one wants to be a cunt. People are trying their best just to be alive and happy. And, personally, I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time. Occasionally, I stumble across something sweet and lovely but more often than not, I make a fool of myself. And I do things I regret later. And I drink too much. And I’m constantly looking for some sort of validation. In all the wrong places, naturally.
To be quite honest though, there’s not a lot I regret. Life is short. And all those mistakes do teach you stuff, even if it takes a couple of runs at the same mistake for me to learn my lesson. I have been fantastically selfish in the last few months but I think that you do need to indulge sometimes. At the end of the day, you have to look out for yourself. People will judge me, of course, but I think I just have that kind of personality: I’m looking for a certain kind of love except I don’t know exactly what kind of love it is. I’ll accept every offer until I find that love though, I won’t sit pretty and wait for that love to find me, like a sensible person might. I am a fool for love. I fall in love far too easily and I think that that is my hamartia. I’m okay with it though, even if the rest of the world isn’t. My intentions are good. And my attitude is positive. I don’t know if there’s much you could ask of a human being, you know?
I want to have my cake and eat it too. Because what’s the point in having cake if you can’t eat it?
Perhaps this was a much too honest post but it is two in the morning and I have had something of an epiphany tonight. Except that I’m as confused as ever. Or twice as confused. I can’t even tell. Hmm. I feel like I’ve been drinking but really I’ve only had a salad sandwich. I think I am delirious. Honestly.