Friday, May 21, 2010


‘However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.’

‘It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.’

I’ve always been preoccupied with the idea of death. It’s a strange end. You spend such a long time living and struggling and trying so hard to make the whole thing worthwhile and then it just ends. Suddenly. You cease to exist. No more breathing. No more blood pumping through your veins. Your heart has stopped beating. You are cold and waxen and unmoving. And you lie in that coffin and you look like you’re going to wake up unless we whisper. So we do. We whisper prayers and hope that God will look after you. We have to believe that someone is there waiting for you. We took care of you here and we need to know that someone is going to look after you on the Other Side.

You’re gone. You’re not here. You’re not in a hospital, in pain, suffering, but still alive. You are gone. And you were so beautiful.

On your wedding day you looked like a movie star. You and him, both of you looked so happy and alive. Your feet in the sea and his trousers rolled up to avoid the wetness. You were smiling. This was the start of your life. You were in love and it was just beginning for you. You had no babies yet. But you would have babies. Six gorgeous children. And one little baby who wasn’t meant to be on this earth.

I hope that in Heaven, you meet him and your husband. I hope Heaven is you and your husband taking care of that little baby who knew no time on earth. You are happy there and you wait patiently for your other children and grandchildren to join you.

I hope you had a good life. You will be missed.

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