Monday, April 26, 2010

using ‘interview with a vampire’ as an historical source.

So I’m drinking what feels like my tenth cup of coffee today and I’m thinking. I’m thinking that you had better punctuate your sentences properly because I want to relate to you but I can’t when I don’t know where one thought ends and another begins. Maybe that’s the whole point. Maybe I don’t want to relate to you. Maybe it was a serious mistake, a real blunder on my part, to think that I did want to relate to you. To think it would do me any good.

I’m a fan of the day time. It puts things in perspective. I am a silly little girl sometimes and I am glad you made me realise that, however painful and embarrassing it was at the time. This is a relief. Another one.

And you. It is in my nature to fall into these situations. Time-consuming, mildly amusing, but ultimately bad for me. For everyone. It’s a distraction, yes. But I should avoid distractions. Because I’ll never get to leave this thing if I keep getting mixed up with distractions. So I am going to leave, and I’m going to leave distractions behind me. Eyes on the prize and that. Life of Riley? Maybe. But there are more important things. Such as being happy. Fully happy, not needing anyone.

You’re another kettle of fish altogether. I miss you daily. I’ve decided to stop feeling guilty for that. I think it’s important to feel things in their raw, unprocessed state. I think that when Missing You goes and tries to hide itself behind Guilt At Missing You, that’s when I’m in trouble. Double the emotion and only half the clarity.

So I miss you. Still. And I’m not going to bother hiding it. It doesn’t matter if people know it or don’t know it – it doesn’t change a thing. I’m not hoping to get anything or anyone. So people’s opinions are redundant for now. The only opinion that really matters at the moment is mine. Maybe yours too. But I don’t know if I really want to know your opinion. I doubt I’m held in high regard.

My opinion? It’s okay to miss you still. I have decided that. It hurts like you wouldn’t believe. Like old wounds have be reopened. But it’s okay. I’ll be honest, I can’t see how I’ll ever feel any differently about you. About this situation. And I don’t know if I want to. I don’t want this change. I want to rewind time. Go back and do things differently.

That wouldn’t help. I like who I am now, and I wouldn’t be this person if it wasn’t for this situation. But even so. I want this person and you. And a whole new situation. I think that would make me happy. So that, please.

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