Wednesday, April 28, 2010

things what are lovely.

This thing is harder than I imagined it would be. I thought I’d relish being able to just feel but I forgot how awful feeling stuff is sometimes. I’m backing out. I’m trying not to. I’m trying to think of lovely things. Not negative things. Not negative, heart-breaking pictures. Which is a hard thing to do. All those sad poems seem to be written about you. And placed right under my nose to catalyse my sadness. But that’s a lie. Because I go looking. Looking for some kind validation. Something to tell me that it’s okay to feel like this. Sometimes I honestly don’t know if it is. I have to frequently ask my best friend if these Weak Moments are normal. I am a hindrance now though. And I’m sorry. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with myself during Weak Moments. I text. I tell you. I think. I cry. I feel my stomach lurch in sync with every memory. And then it passes. The only thing that really helps is having you tell me that it is okay to feel like this. Then I am calm in the knowledge that I am not losing my mind. So thank you. For always reassuring me. Unquestioningly. And with such unfounded confidence in me. You amaze me. And I wish you were here right now.

Instead, since I can’t have that, I’ve been thinking of some Lovely Things to occupy my mind. Planning lovely things. Planning in general. Conspiring really. I will be good and strong. I promise.

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