I am so predictable. This was the perfect situation. I created this. With great difficulty. I made this happen. And I had wonderful plans involving alcohol and girls and pretty pictures and nothing set in stone. But I want a bigger distraction than all that. Just like I always do. A distraction that I can put away in the wardrobe or under the bed when I’m ready to deal with life again. But it doesn’t work like that, does it? People don’t work like that. Nobody wants to be a ‘distraction’.
This is brand new. Like all the other times. But I mean it now. Sort of. And ya know what? I think it requires me to be brave. And strong. Stronger and braver than I have been all along. ‘Cause this is it. This is the big one. And if I keep faffing about with my feelings – as in, avoiding them completely – things won’t ever really change. I’ll still dwell. I’m dwelling now. Always.
There are three people on my mind tonight. And in about another fortnight, you may as well add another to that list. I’m a sucker for avoiding feelings I don’t like. I’m sort of looking forward to dealing with all that stuff now. Finally. I know it’s going to sting like hell though. Maybe you were right with all your nastiness. Maybe I am pretending. Of course, I don’t realise I’m pretending until, you know, it’s too late.
And I am happy. And I mean that. It’s just … other things. Ya know that lump ya get in yer throat? I have that. A sure sign that this will be a difficult year. But worthwhile. It’s worth this sacrifice if it means that, you know, what’s in the past is actually in the past. And remains there.
You know what will get me through this? (And I am excited at the very prospect.) Books. Books that I’ll read in the summer in bed and in the garden and everywhere. And late nights outdoors. Cool summer nights. Adventures. Enduring memories I’d rather not endure. That will help, won’t it? Cider. Friends. BBQs in the garden. Singing songs. Working. Keeping busy. Planning. Laughing. Dancing. Debs. Friends.
I can feel all that emotion I’d locked away sort of ebbing towards my eyes and it is so strange. A relief, in a way.
I feel wonderful tonight.