Friday, March 26, 2010

you have my heart in your hands.

"I believe in running through the rain and crashing into the person you love and having your lips bleed on each other."
I feel inspired. Somehow. I keep telling myself that these kinds of situations, this poverty and this exhaustion, is worth it because you’ll have amazing stories to tell in a few years. Even if all you do is write them down and read them back to yourself and no one else ever knows. It’s exciting. Life is good and full and rich.
And I have you.
It’s hard for me to be completely honest about how I feel. Because this is new. Brand new. So different from anything I’ve ever even seen before. You are wonderful. And I am not. My mind is everywhere. It’s nothing personal. I keep memories and I keep looking at them and wondering. Just wondering. About nothing in particular. But that’s what I do. I need to think about things. Because I can’t deal with things right away. I sort of deal with them, and then I put them in a box, and that’s fine. But they seep through and I have to think again so that they remain locked up for a bit longer. I’m not going to apologise for that, for my way of gaining closure or coping or whatever. And I’m not going to apologise for thinking the things I do, or still dreaming up silly stories. Apologising wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make you feel better, and it wouldn’t halt those dreams.
I’d like to say that my thinking is quite inconsequential, but I’d be wrong. Because, most of the time, if I get something in my head, I’ll do it. Even if I know it’s a bad idea. I’ll do it just to see how things will turn out. Just to make things different. Life is short and if it’s boring, I will do the wrong thing. Just to liven it up a bit.
But you have quite a large slice of my heart now. I promise not to break yours.

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