Tuesday, March 30, 2010

how absurdly important money is. (and a mention of alcohol.)

I like having drinks down the local with friends, a few choons playing idly in the background. I like doing shots of tequila in a tiny bar that’s full to bursting point with inebriated people of all ages. I like that. I like the sense of community. I like buying a kebab afterwards on special occasions when I have excess funds.

I really hope this job thing works out. I know it’s not a lot of money, and I know it’s a hard slog for not a lot of money, but I’m willing to do it without complaint if it means no more of this hopeless poverty-related inertia.

If I had lots and lots of euros, wanna know what I’d do? I’d buy earphones. I don’t know when I last owned a working pair of earphones. Must have been January. That’s an awful long time to go without music on the bus to and from school every day. It’s painful most days. Actually, since I have all these imaginary euros, I think I’ll buy a fancy new mp3 player. Maybe even an iPod. Ooh err. And I’ll get my wrist pierced.

Also, I’ll get that red dress, plus that other champagne one on the Internet (so that I won’t clash with RHJ at his Debs, him being ginger and that).

I’ll buy new make-up too. Eyeliner is desperately required, since the ground opened and swallowed the one I had. Granted, it had grown so small from sharpening it that it could just be the case that I’ve overlooked it in all its minuteness. Whatever. I am the eyeliner queen. I have been since I was fourteen. I like dark eyes, I can’t help it. Of course it ends up looking awful and smeared all over my face at the end of a long day but this does not deter me.

I’ll buy lovely presents for my friends and reimburse everyone I’ve ever bummed money off of. I’ll throw little teaparties with cider and fairy cakes with icing and nice things. I’ll buy gorgeous dresses and brogues and tights and socks and thingssss.

Material things aside, I’ll visit you more. I’ll buy you sweeties and pay for my own lunch. And my own souvenirs.

Fingies crossed for this job. x

Monday, March 29, 2010

Goodness and Fullness.

So it was sort of drizzling while I was walking home tonight. And the air smelled humid and wet and heavy. And I was dressed like a fool in shorts and man socks. But I didn’t care because I was happy. The air smelled amazing. And I felt full and happy.
Yesterday was lovely. A & I threw a little tea party for K, who turned eighteen the other day. A bought a spongecake which we coated in icing sugar. I made Rice Krispy buns. A made a card for K which she then coated in glitter and silver stars confetti. Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies’ was on repeat in the background for added hilarity. Which it did add. When K arrived, I intercepted her at the front gate and blindfolded her (a la Gloucester and Poor Tom) while A lit the candles on the cake.
When I brought K inside, the candles were sparking. She blew them out. They lit again. Never laughed so much in my lifeee. The kitchen was stink with black smoke. Hilarious.
We ate cake and K was happy and it was nice. Out Wednesday night to celebrate with alcohol. Though because of lack of funds, I won’t be consuming said alcohol.
Yes, I know I recite that same rubbish every week but this time, I really do not have money. Ughh. In any case, if I did have money, I’d be saving it for that amazing Debs dress that I can’t even discuss at length here for fear someone will get there before me and buy it. In such an event, I would probably die. Suffice it to say that the dress is amazing and I need it in my life. Anyone want to donate funds? Sponsor me? Please?
Recorded some poetry today at J’s house. For the laugh, like. I may or not risk putting it up on this, depending on how narcissistic I’m feeling. Hearing my voice back makes me think I have a problem with the letter s. Also, I don’t know how anyone listens to me talk at all. I sound weird.
Got a new necklace today (courtesy of my wonderful boyfriend since, as we know, I have no moolah). It’s a kettle/ teapot. I like to think it’s a kettle. You know the ones you used to put on the stove years ago, before the electric kettle? One of them. I like that this one’s a kettle and the one Amy got me is a teapot. This one goes on the stove but the one Amy got me goes on the table, for guests, like. Yes, I am a freak.
I think that’s about the extent of it, other than, like, giving out about all the money I don’t have. Hmm. I keep thinking of Andy Warhol: ‘Think rich, look poor’. Fingers crossed that I’m at least thinking rich. I definitely have that second one down to a fine art. I call it the ‘indie look’ but really it’s the ‘breadline look’. Oh well.
Umm, to sum up: I love everything and everyone. I love my best friends and the Boy Wonder and breakfast and music and nice things. And planning the future. I cannot wait for all that loveliness to start. I’m happy. And still pleasantly stunned by that very idea. Life is good. (:

“and he touches you with his fingers. and he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. and it hurts when you look at him. and it hurts when you don’t. and it feels like someone’s cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.”

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Things.



Things What Have Happened:
I went to the dentist and I got my teeth cleaned. It was quite painful. My gums are quite sensitive.
I skulled myself off the kitchen press. I was going to put a teabag in the bin but I was looking intently at the teabag rather than at where I was going and BANG. Oww. My head is quite sore. Insert suitably sad face.
I have no clothes. Seriously.
I fell asleep last night and left the front door unlocked. This is a first. I expect a chastising when my mother comes home from work. Damn.
I got to see the Boy Wonder yesterday. It was lovely and it made me quite happy. I cannot wait for summer.
I dreamt I got my English pre back and got a B1, but I doubt I am that lucky in real life.

Things What I’ve Been Thinking:
You make my whole body smile.
College. Just a few more months.
My hair is just awful.
Rilo Kiley. <3
I have an awful habit when I’m writing or typing to say the words in my head, rather than spell them or visualise them, and it’s like as though I hear myself wrong: I write ‘clues’ instead of ‘clothes’ and ‘put’ instead of ‘but’. Hmm.

Anyway, here are some Plans:
Chemistry revision and exam paper work.
School on Wednesday for two hours of history and two hours of German.
I want to see you plenty.

x

Friday, March 26, 2010

.

You have my heart in your hands
You have my heart so don't, don't let it go
Check my pressure
Patch me up right
You're too good to be

you have my heart in your hands.

"I believe in running through the rain and crashing into the person you love and having your lips bleed on each other."
I feel inspired. Somehow. I keep telling myself that these kinds of situations, this poverty and this exhaustion, is worth it because you’ll have amazing stories to tell in a few years. Even if all you do is write them down and read them back to yourself and no one else ever knows. It’s exciting. Life is good and full and rich.
And I have you.
It’s hard for me to be completely honest about how I feel. Because this is new. Brand new. So different from anything I’ve ever even seen before. You are wonderful. And I am not. My mind is everywhere. It’s nothing personal. I keep memories and I keep looking at them and wondering. Just wondering. About nothing in particular. But that’s what I do. I need to think about things. Because I can’t deal with things right away. I sort of deal with them, and then I put them in a box, and that’s fine. But they seep through and I have to think again so that they remain locked up for a bit longer. I’m not going to apologise for that, for my way of gaining closure or coping or whatever. And I’m not going to apologise for thinking the things I do, or still dreaming up silly stories. Apologising wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make you feel better, and it wouldn’t halt those dreams.
I’d like to say that my thinking is quite inconsequential, but I’d be wrong. Because, most of the time, if I get something in my head, I’ll do it. Even if I know it’s a bad idea. I’ll do it just to see how things will turn out. Just to make things different. Life is short and if it’s boring, I will do the wrong thing. Just to liven it up a bit.
But you have quite a large slice of my heart now. I promise not to break yours.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Wednesday Feeeeeeeeelings.

I am just waiting for the whole thing to fall apart. Or maybe I’m forcing it to. I’m still having those dreams and I’d give anything for them to be  reality, as horrible as that makes me, and as empty as it would make me feel. This is taking too long. I’m in mental conflict. And I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to feel like this. I know I’m not, but I can’t help it. Maybe I’ll always be wrapped up in something else entirely and maybe I should just get used to it. But these dreams…

I cannot wait to leave this small town. It is not good for your health or your soul. Or your happiness. Small town syndrome. There’s a certain part of this town that sends me reeling. Every time I pass that street, my heart speeds up, like it knows that bad people live there. People I never want to see again. The same people that I desperately want to see again. Just for a second. Just to know you’re safe and healthy and alive.
I’m in a much too… philosophical mood.

I will miss Skins desperately. I cannot wait to go to the dentist again. I can’t wait to paint my nails and not have to face double maths on Friday. I can’t wait to see H and I can’t wait for cuddles from J. I can’t wait for the Debs (mine and RHJ’s). And I can’t wait for summer. Because things will be marginally different then, and that will be nice.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Thoughts.

I haven’t cried in ages and ages.

I really love fruit and vegetables, I really do.

pH is doable.

The Cribs. Blast from the past.

Fall Out Boy too.

Gaelgeoir.

Not having credit.

AH.

RHJ. ♥

Russell Howard.

If I could do it all again? Minus history, thanks. Blodge instead, thank you very much.

German film. Totally just realised that I will be a loner.

Art galleries though. For the win, for the win.

B1. (:

Ar phóg tú duine níos óige ná tusa riamh? Phóg. Dé ghnáth. ‘Cougar’ is ea mé, is dóigh liom. (;

x

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Regular.

 
A regular post is in order, I think. That Thirty Days thing is hard. I have a short attention span for that sort of routine. Maybe I’ll continue some other time, or leave out some of the boring ones. Life is too brief for me to waste my time trying to adhere to lists and study plans and the like.

So my only real news lately is that I got an A2 in my Irish Pre-Oral, which is lovely. I have ‘beautiful Irish’, apparently. I love having a boy with whom I can converse as Gaeilge. It’s nice.

Also, I booked my accommodation for college. I maybe left it a bit late and since it’s on a first-come first-served basis, it’s another issue altogether whether I get the room. And if I do, it’ll end up being Plassey. What’s the bet, like? Still though, I’ll fit in nicely. Being tough and that, as I am.

Going to see some German film next week. Why, I don’t know. I really should have opted out. Just do not have the funds. Hmm.

Tonight will be my first Saturday night staying in in a while. I thought I was looking forward to it but it feels a bit strange. I’ve gotten used to seeing the Boy Wonder on Saturdays and while I did see him for an hour or two this afternoon, it really wasn’t long enough. Strange.

I had great plans to do homework today but so far all I’ve done is have a lovely breakfast, wash myself and kiss a nice boy. And read a nice book. I love starting books and just knowing that they’re going to inspire you. Finished Eclipse (much to my dismay), and now I’m thoroughly wrapped up in Miles’ life. Already. I do love books. This will inspire me.

Is aoibhinn liom bheith ag léamh. Léim gach tráthnóna, ach dá mbeadh an t-am agam, beinn ag léamh an t-am ar fad.

Ooh, baby.

I am a sap. Like, wow. Like, it’s not even funny. But it feels so nice. And miraculous. And I am so scared. Which is a good thing, because it tells me just how much I care. And I love love love you.

Tired arms.

Maths homework, cornflakes and Garden State, I think. Or else Russell Howard.

Everything is so good.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Shona Dhuit.


Painted my nails (and the Boy Wonder’s thumbnail) for Paddy’s Day. Go on the tricolour!

 
Go on the Molleran’s! And poor Pop-Eye in the background. Got two 99s off him last week. Lovely chap.

 
Kitty O’D and she all kitted out in her green clobber. I think my teapot is quite a good representation of the Irish psyche.

 
One of the many, many old cars that were in procession up the Main Street. I like this one.


Paddy himself and some of his loyal fans. Signing autographs and the like.


May Contain Nuts, innit. Lovely performance. (:

A lovely St Patrick’s Day, apart from the cold and the drizzle. The music was good and the people were smiley and the Carrick passion was in full swing and roaring. Some weird man did take a photo of us though, and he didn’t look at all professional. In fact, he looked decidedly creepy.

On an unrelated – yet related – note, The Green Mile was on T na G the other night. What a film. What a bastard that Percy was. Me and Mother complained about him solidly for a good 48 hours.

Hope you all had a nice Paddy’s Day anyway. x

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sunday, March 14, 2010

08. A Photo Which Makes You Sad/ Angry.


For the same reasons that yesterday’s photo made me happy, this one makes me sad. I don’t even remember if I was at that gig – the venue doesn’t look familiar – but I had this photo on my computer. I’m not in it, even if I was present, but I can name a number of people who are. Most of the front row, actually.

I don’t know. It was a different time. A simpler time. It wasn’t always wonderful, but it was brand new. It was the thing, y’know? It’s sad, all the memories I associate with this picture. How naive I was. How oblivious. How young.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

07. A Photo That Makes You Happy.

Obviously this was a difficult choice since there a hundred and one photos (in fact, a thousand and one – seriously) that make me happy but I did choose this one, ‘cause it sort of epitomises my sixteen year old self. And I don’t know, it makes me happy to see it, to see smiling and adventures and us when we were younger, and how different things are now. It’s nice. Nostalgia.


This was when we used to go to those gigs in Kilkenny every odd Sunday and we were the bad crowd who ended up getting banned from ever going there again. Which is funny. And it makes me happy. We’re in the bathroom in Zoo, illegally drinking cans of cider. There’s me holding one as usual. (I had brown hair once upon a time. With a tinge of ginge, as usual.) And that’s my best friend there beside me, taking the picture. And those lovely Clonmel girls are there too. I don’t know who’s drying their hair under the hand-dryer, and I never noticed them before now. Anyway, I think it’s a happy picture, and it makes me happy now. (There are more pictures taken after this one where I’m curled up in the corner of the bathroom on the ground cradling a can of Strongbow and grinning my head off. Story of my life.)

06. Whatever Tickles Your Fancy.

Another day, another dollar. Another golden week. I’m exhausted. I studied this week. And did all of my homework. Which is bizarre. And I got new shampoo and it smells amazing. And I contributed. And my feet are sore. And my feelings feel weird.

You are the only exception.

I miss things. People. Certain people. I want you back just for a day, just to remember what it felt like.

Coffee, cornflakes, Mummy’s Day pressie, recipe, bathe, smile.

Have a good day, you. x

Thursday, March 11, 2010

05. Your Favourite Quote(s).

“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

“I’m not into appearances. I like flaws, I think they make things interesting.”

“Well-behaved women rarely make history.”

“The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their own kind of love to give, not our kind.”

“You’re not asleep and you’re not dead. I’m here, you’re here, and I love you. I have always loved you and will always love you.”

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

04. Your Favourite Book.

So I didn’t post yesterday and I’m posting two today. That okay? Okay then.

A worse question. My favourite book? I have lots. I’m not going to go into the ins and outs of the thing but The Perks of Being a Wallflower is an amazing book and I could read it over and over. Charlie. ♥

03. Your Favourite Television Programme.

Skins, without a doubt. And I don’t even have real reasons. I just love it. Am in love with it. Everything about it. And I will sorely miss the people from 3 & 4 when Series 5 comes around. In fact, I’m dreading it. Which is a bit sad, but whatever.

I also love Mock the Week and QI. With, like, a passion. And Live at the Apollo on the rare occasions I get to see it.

Monday, March 08, 2010

02. Your Favourite Movie.

I’m not much of a movie person. Short attention span and that. And I change my mind frequently about what kinds of movies I like. I love Kirsten Dunst in anything, without fail. I think she is beautiful and wonderful and I pretty much want to be her. I also quite like Michael Caine and I loved his Alfie. Sandra Bullock makes a good film too, she really does. Probably my favourite film though is Garden State. That one with Zach Braff who’s on the lithium tablets and falls in love with Natalie Portman? Yeah, that one. I can’t really explain why I like it. It makes me happy and sad all at once. 

What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.

It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic.

That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

Actually, just reading all these quotes have made me remember what a truly gorgeous film this is. Love love love. x

Sunday, March 07, 2010

01. Your Favourite Song.

I have lots of favourite songs. Lots and lots. I have about three favourite bands. Can I give you my favourite song from each band? I’m afraid I’ll have to. They’re all so gorgeous, and it probably seems like a random collection of favourite bands ‘cause they’re so different, but I like that. So here you go.

Rilo Kiley, With Arms Outstretched.


Modest Mouse, The World at Large.

Belle and Sebastian, If She Wants Me.

I pretty much adore these three songs. Like, wow. Enjoy.
x

Thirty Days.

I’m stuck for things to blog about now. My weekdays are the same sort of academic shite day in and day out, and my weekends follow the same formula of alcohol + friends + kisses = happy emma. Bit boring. I’m also running low on gorgeous pictures to post (that’s a lie, but they’re becoming increasingly irrelevant), so I decided to get on the bandwagon thing what is this Thirty Days posting thing where there’s a list of things that you post about every day. So yeah. I’ll do that.

I robbed it off the gorgeous Aoife who blogs here, at Less Study, More Sleep. I do quite adore this girl’s ranting, so go read.

Anyway, bandwagonage ahoy, wha’?
Day 01 → Your favourite song.
Day 02 → Your favourite movie.
Day 03 → Your favourite television program.
Day 04 → Your favourite book.
Day 05 → Your favourite quote.
Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy.
Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy.
Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 09 → A photo you took.
Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago.
Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently.
Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy.
Day 13 → A fictional book.
Day 14 → A non-fictional book.
Day 15 → A fanfic.
Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.).
Day 18 → Whatever tickles your fancy.
Day 19 → A talent of yours.
Day 20 → A hobby of yours.
Day 21 → A recipe.
Day 22 → A website.
Day 23 → A YouTube video.
Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy.
Day 25 → Your day, in great detail.
Day 26 → Your week, in great detail.
Day 27 → This month, in great detail.
Day 28 → This year, in great detail.
Day 29 → Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days.
Day 30 → Whatever tickles your fancy.

nice times.

I pretty much live for the weekends these days. Weekends mean getting somewhat dressed up and wearing make-up and having sort of decent hair and getting nice sleeps and having a bit of freedom and getting to see you. This weekend was lovely, no different to last weekend. Vodka, noodles, because you’re gorgeous and I’d do anything for you, seeing H. Always a lovely bonus. Brief, but lovely. I’ll miss you too much next year.

Favourite photo from the weekend:



There’s just something hilarious about the variety of facial expressions in photos. I don’t know. It kills me. I look ready to conk out. I was. Happy birthday, A, you piece of meat, you. (;

Yesterday was lovely. Got to meet a sexually frustrated Muslim boy, which is always nice, got well fed and got a nice patterned shirt for €1.75 in a charity shop. Fun times. Also had the most amazing Subway. Nom.

Today? Reading Eclipse for the morning, I think, and might see to some homework later too. We’ll see.

Got a boy hoody. And I smell like boy. Pretty much love this.

I don’t know if the two are connected, these new situations, but I really miss you two. Like, in an awful way. But I feel like I can’t have it all. Though that doesn’t seem right, because it was never an issue before. And if it’s an issue now, I’d choose you two. Like, in a heartbeat. You are my safe harbour.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

ifycytvbfln.


Pre’s finally over. How did I celebrate? I took naps. Lots of naps. I had two rather nice cups of tea also, and read Eclipse. Making slow progress with that, but naps have always been more important to me.

I swear to God, the ratio of good music to bad music on my laptop is well unbalanced. If I stick it on shuffle, I end up skipping, on average, every second song. Like, David Bowie, in theory, is great but I can’t listen to him, I really can’t. So why do I have his complete 2 disc Best Of on my computer? I swear I only like about ten albums, and at that, only in limited doses. I get bored easily. I have this thing where listening to certain music at certain times (namely, the wrong times) makes me feel physically sick. Placebo when I’m not in a Placebo mood turns my stomach and sort of saddens me. However, the likes of Sheryl Crow when you’re in a good and dancey mood is just lovely. Well, any music when you’re in a good mood is lovely. Bonus happiness.

I used to contemplate love a lot. I don’t anymore. Love is lovely. If you’re in it, enjoy it. If you’re not, don’t worry. Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t. And, quite honestly, the last six months of singledom I’ve lived through have been the best in my life. Just, I don’t know, make the most of every day and every experience. Even the crap ones. Especially the crap ones. Personally, I adore getting myself into sticky situations. Makes for good story-telling later and vicarious laughs all ‘round. Love it, innit. This love thing is utterly gorgeous, at the moment though. (:

I need a job. Purely to fund my need for nice clothes and cider.

I cannot wait for summer. Flaggons and dresses and sunnies and the beach and picnics and over-exposed photographs and freedom and adventures and lurrrrve.

Debs dress picked out. No money to buy it, like, but whatever. It’s champagne coloured. And chic. And I pretty much need it in my life. We’re talking $70, we’re talking taffeta, we’re talking just below the (belt) knee. Lovely.

I’m not into floor-length dresses. I feel like I’m too short to wear them, even though people shorter than me risk them and look utterly stunning in them, it’s just this thing I have. I tried on the most amazing floor-length dusty pink dress a few weeks ago though. It was beautiful. Very simple and elegant. Of course, I don’t really do simple and elegant. I’m more into strange and standy-outty. That gorgeous dusty pink dress was beautiful though. €250 and very traditionally Debsy. Too expensive and too… normal. Champagne chic, please.

WE ARE LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD
AND I AM A MATERIAL GIRL.

Normal school resuming tomorrow. I think I’ll appreciate the routine of not doing homework, rather than the up-in-the-air not studying thing.

Anyway, good night. Sweet nothings beckon and that. (:

x

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

mo’ routine, plz.

History today. Three hours of doodling and an afternoon’s worth of giggling because seemingly the whole study hall knew I was doing nothing. I answered half of the Documents Question and sort of just gave up after that. I suppose I do sort of regret it since lovely essays came up and if I’d studied at all, I would have easily been able to come up with a few decent paragraphs. Oh well. S’only the Pre’s…

Tomorrow is the last of this shite and finally I can return to routine and biscuits at breaktime and note-taking and nice, unassuming things like that. German and Irish Tape tomorrow. But there’s two cans of Druids waiting in the fridge for me when I get home, since the rest of Sixth Year is hitting the city and I’m too poverty-stricken to join in the festivities. And technically I don’t even own those two cans of cider but would anyone begrudge me? They wouldn’t dare. (;

Made a list with H for lovely summer adventures and I cannot wait. And I bashed my knee off my eye.

A’s birthday shenanigans on Friday. Should be amusing. Lots of Bulmers, please, and maybe even cocktail sausages. Unfortch, J won’t be there which is, y’know, irritating but thass akay. I’ll keep some profiteroles in my pocket for a later date.

I really should look over vocab for tomorrow’s tests. Hmm. Reading Eclipse (yay!) and drinking tea and going a-slumber seems much more productive and I don’t know why that is.

Friday, Saturday, Summer, marry me.

Monday, March 01, 2010

daniel, when i first saw you, i knew that you had a flame in your heart.

Changed my mind about leaving. Obvs. ‘Think about it for a while, yeah?’ I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I am now of the opinion that it would be just a tiny bit crybaby-ish and gay of me to delete everything I’ve ever thought and wrote and to never think and write again just because one person things I’m a bitch or a sham or whatever. Maybe if it was true, it’d make a real difference, but it’s not so I’m not going to lose too much sleep over it. One person like? I really am past caring what people think. Mostly what bothered me was the anonymity. But whatevs. Live and let live and all that.

Chemistry exam today was slightly disgusting. I ended up mostly just writing the lyrics to Slow Dancing in a Burning Room all over my exam paper. Had a good laugh, like. Quite possibly failed but that’s alrighty.
Chicken sandwiches for lunch and lots of tea.

History tomorrow and more failure. Wicked excited.

Happy birthday, Cho. Love you. x