“Cruelty free? Free-range? This one tastes like it died screaming.”
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when I walk into an open sewer and die.” Mel Brooks.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” Laurie Anderson.
“People say don’t give homeless people money. “They’ll only spend it on booze or drugs.” I think, hey, the guy’s living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.”
“I hate people who love me. And they hate me.” Bender Unit 22.
“I will not make any deals with you. I’ve resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.”
“Destiny is a good thing to accept when it’s going your way. When it isn’t, don’t call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.” Joseph Heller.
“My friend has a baby. I’m writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.” Stephen Wright.
“Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.” Jack Handey.
“I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.” Jack Handey.
“Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.” Mark Twain.