Monday, February 01, 2010

epiphany or something.

There is no beauty without strangeness.

I’ve got no one to call
In the middle of the night anymore
I’m just alone
With my thoughts

Maybe all that’s really wrong at the moment is that I need change. Again. And I don’t deal so well with changing or having to change or even change being a natural process. I think change is good. Almost always. But I find it hard to get over that hill whereafter we’re sailing and laughing. It’s difficult.

But I think I had something of an epiphany on the bus home from school. And I think that instead of freaking out and worrying, there is something more productive I can do. In the meantime. I’m waiting for something wonderful to happen but I’m impatient. And also quite adamant that I should have to put in no effort whatsoever. But that’s not right. It makes no sense to pause my life waiting for a perfect boy. Least of all to expect him to do the chasing. So I’ve decided something.

It’s still quite important to look after me. In a new sort of way. In a way that maybe makes me stretch beyond being what I currently am. I can be better.

I’ve grown complacent over the last few months, thinking that I am infallible. Thinking that I am always right. That bad things happen to me but they’re not my fault.  That I’m better than you. And I’m just not. I’m only human. And it’s nice to accept that. Even though it sounds like something I ought to know already. It hasn’t been for a while. And I admit I’ve been a bit… obnoxious. But new leaves – or scribbled out old ones – and it’s probably about time to start again. Without realising it, I’ve already set the wheels in motion and that feels really, genuinely, properly good. I missed you. I missed the both of you.

And yeah, there’s still that other pang, but it’s only a result of feeling vulnerable and lonely and that’s alright. Because it will pass.

And I’m still laughing, aren’t I? Even when I’d really rather not. My life is just one big hilari-tragedy. Things could be a lot worse.

I have a sort of plan. It involves plotting an adventure, reading lots of books, dressing up daily, and being nice. Too nice. Getting lots of sleep and lots of moisturiser. And having a nice day on Wednesday with Aisling making brownies and watching Titanic. And that other adventure might happen too.

Yes, I am an idiot.

It Hasn't Happened Yet

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