Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Three Worst People in the World.

When I was younger, before I ever knew what depression was, when my mother was beginning to suspect that something wasn’t quite right in the workings of my mind and that thirteen year olds don’t normally act this morbidly, I didn’t like to be around people. On my bad days during summer holidays, I’d stay in bed all day with the curtains pulled, listening to music and writing and eating and reading. I read a lot then. I didn’t want to be around people when I felt awful. And I didn’t even know what it was, the feeling awful thing. I just knew that I didn’t want to be around my friends. The summers that were wasted, me avoiding sunshine and being happy. But everything was wrong then. Being thirteen and fourteen are awful ages. My hair was horrible, I was probably smelly and I had no dress sense. I felt completely and utterly inadequate but I had no real sense of why that was.

I’m more self-aware these days. I’ve been aware of my feelings since I was sixteen. I have notebooks upon notebooks describing the same feelings over and over again. People  talk about journeys a lot and it’s such a ubiquitous metaphor but all of that feeling bad when I was thirteen to this feeling loopy (but mostly happy) at eighteen was a journey. And getting here was not easy. There have been so many tears and snotty sleeves and kisses and catastrophes. And maybe my heart did break, but it’s mending and I need this – to just be Emma Norris, with no one else’s name attached.

I’m in that horribly philosophical and disgustingly sentimental end-of-year mood. I liked 2009. It did have its ups and downs but it has changed me so much. My life is completely different. I’m a completely different person to who I was twelve months ago, and I’m so grateful. To God, or someone. Because in 2008 I was feeling very ambivalent to the whole life thing. I feel lucky to have lived through 2009. It has made all the difference and I loved it.

I love all the nice new music that I never listened to before and all the clothes. The way I have a sort of style now, rather than just jeans and a t-shirt that makes my boobs look awful. It’s nice. I like home life and family things, the way they have developed and the way I’m able to really talk. I love all the new relationships. I think that was the best thing about 2k9 – new friends. JG, HOB, RHJ. More besides, obviously. But wow. There are so many amazing people in my life. Who can I thank for this?

I’ve decided that all this passive aggressive blogging when things go wrong isn’t very healthy, so I’m going to stop. Or at least go on hiatus. Because I have other things to occupy my mind now, sort of. I’m going to invest in a notebook and it’s going to be great and 2010 is going to be amazing and, yeah, I’m in a bad mood now but I’ll be fine. You’re always going to get bad days. It’s the contrast that makes you appreciate the good days. And there are marvellous days. But I want simplicity. And I just want friends and nothing else. I don’t want someone who is going to make me feel awful just because they feel awful. I’ve had plenty of that and I’m full to the gullet, thanks very much. Anyway, I don’t trust myself not to hurt you. I’m much too wrapped up in being Emma Norris now to be at all concerned with taking care of your emotions on top of that. I’m sorry if that seems selfish but I have to be honest. You’re wonderful and you’re perfect but it doesn’t seem right: it’s as though I want someone to bully me. And until that feeling goes away, I won’t ever be happy with a boy, least of all someone as sweet as you. I don’t want to waste your time. So off you go. On your way, now. Good boy. It was nice knowing you. It’s been real. Au revoir.

I’m sure all of this makes me a horrible person. But I don’t care. This ‘journey’ or whatever it is is not over, is it? Not by a long shot. I sort of thought it was and I feel sad because even after all this hard work, I’m still not fully there. And I know I have to just get on with it and I have a whole new year to get working on advancing my life that bit more. I’m sorry for not being over the moon now. Maybe it’s just one of those lack lustre no energy listless days where I have no interest in advancing anything other than my blog archives and my melancholia. I don’t know. All I do know is that right at this moment in time, the thoughts of more hard work is nearly breaking my heart. This is just a weak moment though and I just need a hug and everything will be okay tomorrow.

Ya know the way sometimes boys are lovely and wonderful and all you want to do is kiss them and go on adventures with them? I have that opportunity and I don’t want it. I want to adventure on my own and with my friends. And this still feels so brand new.

In any case, I’m still dreaming of someone else. And I think that scares me more than anything else in the whole wide world. I don’t want to dream about you forever, but every time someone gets close, I do. I hate it. I wish I hated you. I hope my heart won’t always belong to you, but if it does, that that will make a difference. But I really don’t think it will.

No more blogging. At least for a while. Weak moments should not be broadcast for the whole world to see. They are for my eyes only and if you feel like throwing your arms around me in those weak moments, that’s okay too. In fact, please do. Lately, these weak moments are very few and far between but they don’t half sting still. Ughh, hold me.

Aufwiedersehen and farewell etc. It’s been real and it’s been fun and all that. You kids take care of yourselves. Until next time! x

2 comments:

  1. "Ya know the way sometimes boys are lovely and wonderful and all you want to do is kiss them and go on adventures with them?"

    This made me smile! :)

    Do come back sometimes, maybe... :) x

    ReplyDelete
  2. See you again sometime, maybe, never, possibly.

    Right choice by the way. You know how on planes, they make you put on your own mask first, before your kid's, because if you put yours on first, theyll go unconscious but you can then put on their mask and they'll recover, whereas if you put on their's and then go unconscious they won't be able to help you? Well, y'know. . extend that a bit metaphorically. You have to look after yourself first. You can help other people later, in the future, but first get yourself so that you don't need other people to help you, so that you're as happy as you can be.

    If that makes any sense. If not, ignore me, and I love this blog. :)

    ReplyDelete

I love reading your comments, so feel free to share your opinions and your stories! However, comments are moderated so that I won't experience undue harassment or humiliation; if your comment is hateful or offensive, it won't be published.