Sunday, November 01, 2009

Random Thoughts.

I had blisters on my feet, but don’t worry – I destroyed them. Now I just have raw pink skin where previously was saggy white skin. Fear not, it shall be replenished.

I am too drunk to type. I am too drunk for anything. Including purple box antics. Which is a good thing considering the sheer number of people to whom I’ve promised that I’d be a good girl. It is a disease, rather than an illness, the whole thing.

What I wouldn’t give to rewind time. If you only knew the half of it.

Actually, I’m not sure that if at this stage it might not be easier to just fast-forward time. I like to think that things would still end up the same way. I really wish they would. I might be happy then. If only because my wish would have been granted.

But I might never be happy. Which is fine too. Maybe I’m not supposed to be. Not in this life anyway. Perhaps in the next one. I hope so, I really do. What I wouldn’t give to feel genuinely happy again.

I worry you. I really worry you. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to. I want to blend into the background murmuring about something inconsequential. But it’s just not me. Well, the ‘inconsequential’ bit is. But not the blending into the background. I talk far too much to ever allow myself to be ignored. Which is an affliction. And I can guarantee that I’m not the only person who thinks so. Sometimes I seriously wish that I was completely irrelevant.

Not that it matters this hour of the night, but my hair feels really soft.

SW, you are one of the nicest girls I know and I hope you know that. Your hugs and your astonishingly soft hands are both forces to be reckoned with. I really adore you.

And JG.. There just aren’t the words. I love you dearly.

Some initials aren’t so ambiguous (or at least innocent) and there are a lot of things I want to say to people right now. But I have to force myself to understand that the things I say will never, ever make a difference. The situation is as it will always be: shit. And I wish it wasn’t. I’d give anything for one more stab at the whole thing..

My apologies to Helena for calling her ‘Lisa’ at least ten times tonight. I have come to the grim conclusion that I’m crap with names.

It’s raining. I’m sneezing. I need orange juice and something sweet to eat. I also need a cuddle but that thirst won’t be satisfied any time soon. Though I’m apparently the only person on the planet whom that bothers. Which sort of slightly breaks my heart.

That’s not a difficult thing to do lately, break my heart. Have the best of intentions and you’ll still probably do it. Fuck it, I’m breaking my heart on an almost daily basis as it is. And it doesn’t half sting.

Love really is a strange thing. Some days I think I get it, other days I just don’t. End of.

But I just want comp’ny. Hours and hours and hours of company, please. Then we’ll call it even and I won’t ask for anything else. Ever again. Thank you.

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