I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, why I happen to crave affection and closeness. It’s not that I’m normally otherwise inclined, it’s… I don’t know. I used to be very dependant on having people hug me and take care of me, but less so in the last few months. Independence. Moving onwards and upwards. A lot less vulnerable than I once was.
I tend to throw my arms around people in a very casual, I-just-happen-to-be-leaning-on-you kind of way. Very blasé and probably not very affectionate. I also kiss a lot. I kiss people on their heads. Why, I don’t know.
Maybe it’s because I’m the one doing the kissing and the arms all over the place thing, that I feel somewhat left out of the equation. I detach myself from feeling completely close to people. I don’t think I ever used to be like that. My whole heart and soul was in every hug and that was rarely a good thing. And then it was the other extreme. Because I only ever seem to deal in extremities.
And what now? Am I back to actually being that needy? Probably not. But I’d give anything for a cuddle now.
That’s probably one of the big flaws in the human design – needing other people. Needing someone else’s presence. And if I had to choose now, it’d be AC. And I really wish it was. What I wouldn’t give right now for closeness and cuddles and having someone there.
This is a strange feeling: it’s not really sadness. It’s sort of a universal feeling. Sort of. In the sense that I want to feel part of the universe. Or something.
Human contact soon, please. Please.