Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Feelings.

I have a problem. And it’s not even a real problem. It’s simply the fact that it’s October and it’s all the misery connotations that go with the fact that it’s October. And I need to talk. But I’ve gotten very used to not talking about all the crap stuff in my head, except for vaguely mentioning them so that you don’t get worried when I stop talking to you for a week or two, or stop talking in general. Or stay in my room. Or break out that purple box beside my bed. Because it’s just who I am. There’s no stopping me or guilting me into not being like this. It’s just not that easy.

You know the way people say you can talk to them if you ever have a problem? What would you even say? Because the things that bother me and upset me and send me into raging paroxysms of weeping and feeling like poo, are pretty inconsequential. For example, what’s technically upsetting me now is the broken ‘e’ key and my oily forehead and that whole baby thing. But really, it’s none of that. It’s just this feeling. This feeling that I can’t contend with the elements. And to explain the feeling, I’d need hours upon hours of your undivided attention and, let’s face it, that’s just not possible in our fast-moving society, is it? People have their own lives and no time to be listening to my feelings.

And I’m not angry about that. I accept that. The only flaw in this system is that I’ve gotten so used to people not having time to listen that when they actually do have time, I have nothing to say. Well, I have plenty to say, but I don’t have the words or the gall. Or the level of alcohol required in my system to tell you everything you need to know in order to hate me. Sometimes I wish everyone hated me, just so I wouldn’t have to waste their time. Surely that’s not healthy?

2 comments:

  1. "And to explain the feeling, I’d need hours upon hours of your undivided attention and, let’s face it, that’s just not possible in our fast-moving society, is it? People have their own lives and no time to be listening to my feelings."

    Ah but sometimes listening to someone else's feelings is what we need to escape ourselves, or to put us back in touch with humanity - to see the beauty or feel the pain we miss. There's also something to be said for being able to condense, to express feelings with just a few words, which you seem to do often and well - one of my new heroes after seeing the world through your eyes for a few minutes, and hearing the voices in your head.

    Why would I want to hate you? You made me smile today, and if that's the only intersection our lives ever have that's still a gift to me. You are my kind of beautiful, because you think out loud, having a conversation openly, without fear, as you learn to express yourself. You seem to do that well. Smile for me knowing you made me smile. Smile and glow.

    http://weheartit.com/entry/684483

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  2. Maybe unhealthy, but common enough that one day you get to talking with someone and relize they just wish you'd hate them too. No matter how easy it is to that bit of myself, It is near impossible to hate the bit of someone else that struggles as I do. That 'feeling' creeps into my life more than it is welcome, I'd venture to say that anyone who's experienced it for more than a brief moment would feel something quite far from hate for you. I look forward to reading more, it is oh so familiar yet extremely comforting. You're like my new favorite chicken soup.

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