Friday, September 18, 2009

What Now?

It seems like all the excitement has been achieved for the time being. Which is a bit daunting and a bit upsetting and a bit lonely. What now? The Debs is done, school has resumed and there is nothing new about it anymore, my birthday is done and dusted. I’m officially an adult now but there’s nothing terribly wonderful about it just yet. AC has gone off to Trinners (though there is the Fresher's Ball to look forward to now!) and all the other wise people in my life have settled into their old lives or their new lives or have moved on entirely.
Regards that last one, I feel a bit strange. I shouldn’t care. But I sort of do. It’s not jealousy and it’s not that I miss you. I don’t know. It’s just strange is all. But I’m not mad anymore. I don’t think I am anyway. Today, I was angry. Because it feels like you don’t even care about my opinion. But it feels like you should to a certain extent. Was I always this irrelevant and I just hadn’t noticed?
It’s okay though because my life is good. My life is pretty much amazing lately and this right here is just a lull. And lulls happen. But I appreciate everything about my life at the moment. Even this feeling of resentment because at least I know I’m human. It proves I still care, even if I have no reason to. Hmm.
This lack of events is probably a good thing right now. I should probably study. I should ignore Bebo completely because it generally means bad news, especially at times like this. I’ve deleted one or two people from Msn: I don’t want to know what’s going on in certain people’s lives these days. I care, but I’d rather not know. I’m so much better off oblivious. I’m tired of getting that wrenching sickly feeling in my stomach whenever I discover some other piece of unnecessary information about people’s new private lives. It’s none of my business anymore and it should stay like that.
There are a lot of things I’d like to say to certain people, however. Maybe I need more closure? Or maybe I’m better off continuing on with my life as statically as I have been. You won’t even cross my mind in a month or two. I just need to ride this little wave until I’ve settled into my new niche and then nothing you do will ever bother me again. I can’t wait.
* * *
One day I will write a poem and it will be amazing. Sort of. It will at least be different from all of this self-deprecating, miserable nonsense. I hope. But, more than likely, it will just be self-deprecating, miserable nonsense verse. But such is life. This is my life and it’s a whole lot more interesting these days. Even if only in my head.
* * *
On a vaguely related, yet completely unrelated, topic, I’m swooning. Ya know when there aren’t the words? I have that. Speechless. And it’s not often that that happens. Clearly.
I love you.
* * *
Tonight is one of those Friday nights: I plan on consuming copious amounts of food and tea and telly and Cujo and going to sleep. It will be momentous.
Am considering deleting my Bebo. Opinions? It’s really not so great. In fact, it’s the bane of my life. Facebook is bearable at the moment. But this too will lose its sheeny shiny finish and I’ll be back to complaining about knowing everyone’s business and them knowing mine. But I’ll still sign in and declare myself to the social networking community. Ughh.
Life is good, right, but I feel weird. Too much blogging.
‘Blogging’ is such a filthy word.
A lonely blue dot.

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