Thursday, September 10, 2009

One of those Realisation Kind of Blogs.

Basically beginning to question myself and my penchant for making steadfast plans for studying and getting approx. 600 points in the Leaving and almost as quickly throwing said plans out the window along with good sleeping patterns and normal stress levels. What is my beef and why do I do this to myself? Need a plan of action. Need to stop blogging every thought in my head.

I seem to do most good things in my life to please other people. The things I do to make myself happy are normally bad for my health or my brain or my heart or all three at once. I wonder what this says about my state of mind? Or the kind of person I am?

I don't think I'm so bad anymore. I used to think I was awful. But I really don't anymore. Katie Mash was crying and I looked after her. Not because it makes me look like the most kindly person in the world, but because I actually genuinely care. There was nothing in it for me at all. I just wanted her not to be sad. And this isn't me tooting my own horn, even though it sounds like it. This is just me justifying myself to someone who never even reads these things. Ughh. I'm not so bad.

I'm pretty blunt about things. And honest to the point of insulting. Almost. But I never mean it. And if I do, I mean it in the nicest way possible. I just prefer honesty. I don't like buttering people up. Or pretending I care when I don't. But mostly I do care.

More than likely, your first impression of me won't be accurate. If you've ever met me for the first time when I haven't been heavily intoxicated, I am mute. I seem like I have no personality and no opinions on anything. I am silent and harmless and shy and innocent. But that's not me at all. It's the opposite of Emma Norris. And it's fucking painful. Maybe if you know me, you'll know that I'm just a louder version of the same. But I like to think I'm not so one-dimensional. I sort of like who I am these days. Even if I am a bit affected in the brain.

Oh, I make mistakes like you wouldn't believe. I give no regard to consequences. Which can end up good or bad in generally fairly equal servings. Life is short, etc. But I've landed myself in so very many sticky situations. If I had the nerve to blog about them, they really would make for hilarious reading. I'm quite proud of that fact and maybe I shouldn't be. But, I dunno, my life is fairly interesting. Never left bored.

When I read other people's blogs and stuff, I think that they're amazing and why can't I write like that? Why can't I write about the interesting and topical things that they write about? Why aren't I hilarious like they are? But fuck it. I'm hilarious in my own, quiet, self-deprecating way, aren't I? Ughh. Anyway, topical things rarely interest me. You know, the kinds of things that interest other people? Not my thing at all. I much prefer people's thoughts and the kinds of things that are going on in people's heads and in their lives. Which is why my blog is as self-indulgent as they come. To be honest, I don't really see the point of blogging otherwise if I'm not writing about exactly what I want to write about. You don't have to be interested, or pretend to be interested, or even read this. But if you actually care what I'm abhorring or obsessively over these days, then you've come to the right place, it has to be said.

Basically I'm neurotic. I love other neurotic people too.

On a news kind of note, I had the nicest birthday. The details are pretty, y'know, unbloggable. But it was lovely. Just lovely. :)

This is so exciting, all of this. I feel like I should be cool and mature about the whole thing but I've made that mistake before. 'Cool' is definitely not me. 'Cool' has nothing to do with me. I'm warm and embarrassing and painfully comfortable around you when I really shouldn't be at all. Probably. Neck-farting? I'm too weird. Too weird too soon. But shucks.

I'm looking forward to Saturday in a huge way.

This is terrible: I'm still in my jammies and my hair is stuck to my head and I haven't done anything productive all day. Hmm. I'm the bane of my life.

Things are very interesting at the moment. In the nicest way possible. I'm pretty much basically really fucking happy.

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