Monday, August 31, 2009

A Redundant Day Already.

I'm so tired. I wish I could sleep. But I need to write. I don't know why. It's not as though it changes anything. But I sort of need to say things. And I don't know what exactly.

All these memories are flashing through my mind, none of them related or relevant, but all of reminding me of all the times I've ever felt awful about myself. I don't need this. Really, how do I get myself into these kinds of situations? It must be some deep-seated vengeance against myself. Or someone else's fault entirely. I hope so. I don't like to think that I'm responsible for me feeling like this. Fix my life, please, someone. Or speed up time. Or just keep chatting.

I forgot how much I adore conversations.

The easiest way to address the current state of my mind is this (and don't be too harsh in your judgements): What do you want, Emma?

Funny you should ask. Because I want to be not so tired right now. Or to be able to sleep. Not so wound up. I'm calm, but my head is aching. I want a good hair day and a good face day and for my three-in-the-morning fake tan job to not look disgustingly tangerine-coloured. Though that last part is probably asking a bit too much. I want the Debs to be tomorrow, please. Because I don't have the heart for it today. On the brightside, from now on, anything that gets ruined is probably my own fault. Which is a nice thing to be able to say, strangely. I'm in control of whether or not I enjoy something. For example, mid week cinema outings, etc. These erratic sentences will be the death of me...

Last night was nice.

What else do I want? Cash, please. Job soon, please. Days that last longer than twenty-four hours. Because I don't think I can fit everything in otherwise. Headache tablets. And razors. And Southern Comfort and Mickey Finn's (because Evan's a filthy little bitch) and an empty 7-Up bottle (for discretion) and a bottle of Coca Cola. Please.

Oh. Ever feel vulnerable? I have that. Take me somewhere new and cosy and give me a cup of tea and a cuddle and I'll go to sleep and everything will be fine tomorrow. Thank you very much.

God, these Life Lessons are pretty harsh.

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