Monday, August 10, 2009

Life Goes On and All That..

I suppose it does. It feels like it's moving somewhere now. And I don't know if I even want it to. I'm terrified. My life is not supposed to be like this. We were a team. And now I'm running the show alone? This is just too scary for words.

I don't know whether to think about you non-stop and cry non-stop and hope that that speeds up this whole epoch of misery, or to avoid thinking about you altogether and slut it up countrywide and try to mask the pain and ignore it so that it goes away. It's safe to say that either way, I lose. This is so shit. I miss you so much. Ugh.

I tried to be brutal and get rid of everything of any kind of sentimental value but I honest to God couldn't. It felt like throwing away another big part of my life. All over again. So not able for that.

There are pros and there are cons but I can't even tell the difference. They all just mesh into one big blur of loss and, I don't know, thing's are crap.

However, Galway was amazing. So amazing. I really would love to go into the details but they're not very blog-friendly. In the sense that they're my business and very few other people's. Suffice it to say, however, that I'm feeling pretty darn full of myself, all the same.

Clonmel on Thursday. If I get into any pubs, it will be a miracle. Eighteen in less than a month though. In a community effort to cheer me up, please, everyone come out to Cleggs and the diko. And I know I'm letting down Bert by requesting that of everyone and I can't even bring myself to go out Saturday night for his. I suppose I just fear that someone will make some silly decision and ruin the night for someone else. Now that's cryptic. Maybe only I know what I mean. Ughh.

Who knows though? I could work up the energy and the confidence to unleash myself upon the Main Street at the weekend and it could all be fun and games and I could have a heart to heart with everyone, Bert's woman friend included, and dance my tiny brain tired. I'd have to recruit an army in the meantime though, and Amy's going to Engerland Wednesday so that's my best men gone already.

Ever feel completely and utterly alone? This is not a feeling I'm very familiar with. I was basically part of a very good two-person operation for the last two years, and the last year in particular. It was just so amazing. This is shit. This right here is just a bit numb and bland and other such dull adjectives.

I'd give anything to speed up time. I'd move on, I promise I would. But I just can't stand this inertia and political correctness and this shitty feeling of missing you so much.

I want to break every rule in the book. I want to not miss you or love you or anything. God, this is just awful.


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