Saturday, August 15, 2009

An Early Morning Rant About Everything.

Some people. :@
How the fuck am I...?
Who knew I was that bad?
Depressing?
You have no friends.
Actually, neither do you.
Pure jealousy.
Fuck offffff, you psychopath.
Elephant Man sex? Oh, I dunno. :/
Into you in a big way, for some celestial reason. It could have been the sex dream, tbh.
Session on tonight, then? Pleeeeeeeease.
Need a bit of a break.
Fuck everything else.
Honestly, I'm better off.
Even though you had your reasons, and they were pretty valid and I hate to admit it, maybe we're both better off.
I'm not crying now.
Just about.
Darn it.
No more late night conversations that only result in me crying and not being able to concentrate on Jack Dee Live at the Apollo afterwards. That is not what I need.
Two years.
Onwards and upwards and that.
Bad day, i think.
Perhaps I've just got a bit of bad footing right now?
Speaking of feet, need to go buy new school shoes today. Sixth Year. Gosh. We grow up so fast.
This whole process would be a lot faster if you had never existed. And that is a fact. But a pretty redundant fact at that.
There is no such thing as freedom when it comes to these things. You have to be diplomatic and fair and considerete of other people's feelings even if you weren't very considerete of them all along. Which is a bit shit because all of a sudden you want to do everything. All the things that will embarrass you and them and everyone concerned. All in good fun, obviously. But you can't. Because it's not the done thing. Though it really should be. Perhaps we'd all be a bit tougher if people were tougher on us from day dot. Whatever happened to my leathery exterior? Could do with killing another cow.
What a strange sky we have today.
This feels weird. Uncomfortable weird. But not the kind of weird where you're missing and I need you right here beside me. Simply the kind of weird where I feel a bit guilty but I'm not sure if I should or not. Should I? I never meant to make you feel like that. I didn't realise I was making you feel like that. I didn't know I was that bad. Maybe I'm not? Tell me I'm not. Tell me it was just a chemical thing and we just didn't react in quite the most desirable way anymore. I could deal with that.
Not that it matters anymore really. I just have this thing about closure. Making sure every door behind me is closed and locked and there's no going back, so that I can move forward confidently and knowing that that is the direction in which I'm supposed to be heading. But when is it not? Forward is ideal.
Everything will be amazing again one day. This is just a lull. And were it not for the lulls, we'd never appreciate the amazing times. That's not my wisdom, by the way. That was Aisling's.
Thank you, Aisling, for always being there and always being amazing. ily.

I'm looking out the window for inspiration. There is none. I've seen it all before and it's never made a shred of difference. I have very little interest in writing about nature. I am only interested in writing about myself, my feelings, my thoughts, my highs, my lows and, occasionally, my friends. But that's the whole point. Of narcissism.

Remember when I used to want to be a writer? I really did. I wanted to write one book that someone somewhere would read. And it would mean something to them, in the same way that a certain book or two means a lot to me. That's what I wanted more than anything. Now I want money. Is this growing up or is this just gluttony?

Dreams are important though. And I doubt I'm the first person to ever tell you that. For me, the thoughts of going to college and making span new friends and having a span new life and an amazing job is what just about gets me through those stupid arguments with my mother. And, tbh, this kind of situation too. I won't let myself give up yet. Not without a fighting chance at that other life I have planned out for myself. Which probably sounds vaguely spastic and Dawson's Creek-voiceover. But I don't care. It's my life and it's now or never and all that..

You have consistently and confidently brought me down a peg every time I see you. But never in a good way. I was making progress. But you couldn't accept that and go. You had to edit the proceedings so that I looked foolish all over again. I wish you knew how you really made me feel sometimes. I wonder who you'd think got the better deal then?

I'm just being angry. In a good way. In a cleansing kind of way.

I have that dour feeling that today will be quite a long day spent waiting for seven o'clock to come around so that I can start getting ready. I have no life. I honestly don't care though.

That dream last night was strange. But it made perfect sense. I wish. If only. Alas. It would be utterly befitting though, if it came into being. Really, it would. And my memory barely even stretches back that far. We could reminisce.

I'm ahead of myself here. I'm consoling myself more than anything. I'm perfectly happy being on my own. And that is the God's honest truth. My life is pretty much the same. And I have no desire to kiss anyone.

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Jesus that was a fucking novel.
    It was good though. Well done you (:

    Sex dreams, Jack Dee and killing cows. Sold ;)

    ReplyDelete

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