Okay, so it wasn't the first time at all but you're never going to know that. In fact, I hardly recall the real first time. This time was interesting and we were trying something new because we had no condoms and because I have a sexy ass. We have a strange relationship. I might risk it, but I wouldn't change it. I love you so much.
If you only knew the half of how much you mean to me. How I'd do anything for you. I was crying so hard last night because I thought the world had ended. It may as well have if you were going to leave me alone in it. I was crying so hard and I didn't care that you heard me. It didn't matter what you thought because, I knew, you were ready to go anyway. And you asked me if I had anything to say, like you thought it would make a difference. Maybe it did. But I am so volatile lately that chances are I'll make another stupid comment and we'll be in that same situation again, me saying something unbearably stupid and being unbearably stupid, crying and begging for another chance. And I probably don't deserve these chances at all.
I don't know what made you act the way you did last night. After what I'd said and the way I almost drowned in my own tears trying to take it back or make sense of it. There is no malice to my stupidity - it's just stupidity. I don't know how or why you put up with it. I'd like to think it really is fullblown head-over-heels love and we really matter that much.
I am going to change, of course I am. This can't keep happening. It won't. Last night's slip was made up with grilled cheese and rashers and orange juice and cornflakes and a five to ten run to the shop and if you'd asked me to stand on my head, I would have. I mean it when I say I'd do anything for you. Anything to make you happy or, at least, make life a little bit more interesting or easy or something. Whatever that would entail. You just say the word.